Harry Potter 6

Harry Potter promotes racism. Not only are there no African Americans at Hogwarts, there are no American Americans! Who wants to read a book that doesn't have Americans in it? That's like having a war without Americans in it. The book promises no hot girl on girl action. Yes, there are pictures, which is important in a book. But there are no pictures of the aforementioned hot girl on girl action so really, what is the point? And witchcraft isn't something you learn in school. School is a place to sleep, and buy drugs. Witchcraft is only taught naked in the woods with plenty of booze and animal sacrifices. Or is that Scrabble? Maybe that was Stacey Schneider's Bat Mitzvah. To be honest my childhood is a bit of a blur once I started chasing my Ritalin with Jack and Cokes.

There are other more serious consequences to reading Harry Potter. Just imagine this scenario.

You: I just finished reading, "The Half Blood Prince". When Dumbledore got killed, I cried.

Random Muscle-bound Idiot: You cried when you read, "The Half Blood Prince"? I'm going to beat you into a bloody pulp with this claw hammer.

You: (Trembling) "Petrificus Totalus!"

Since you can't actually cast spells, you get the snot beaten out of you. But thanks to us, there is an entirely new scenario:

You: I just finished reading the T-shirt Hell newsletter. When I read the part where they reveal that Dumbledore gets killed, I cried.

Random Muscle-bound Idiot: You read the T-Shirt Hell newsletter? You are so awesome. Do you want to come to my house and watch me finger my sister?

You: Yes. Yes I do.

But the worst possible scenario after reading a Harry Potter book is that you might actually develop a love of reading. Pretty soon you'd be reading other books, maybe even a newspaper? You would start to become educated, and informed. You would begin to think for yourself and form your own opinions. We can't have that. Go play Grand Theft Auto. Install the Hot Coffee mod. If you install it in Donkey Kong you can watch Mario fuck Luigi in the ass. So in closing, there's no need to thank me. I'm here to help.


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