Tell us your funniest jokes & stories

here


editor's note: please bear in mind that jokes that would seem rather normal to some Dutch people (like about illnesses) can be considered quite tasteless or offensive by others. Blonde jokes are usually OK, though - DSW

A woman, pregnant of 8 months, went to the doctor for the last control. He asked "Do you think the father of this baby will be there at the moment of the birth?" and the woman: "mmmh... i don't think so... My husband and him hates eachother..."

a young couple, a girl and a boy, are a little bit "stupid" in sex...
but the guy started to feel something for her... in his pants... so he asked
"My love, please, let me touch HER..."
"No sweety, only when we'll be married"
"c'mon, where's the matter?! i just want to touch!"
"i said NO! After our marriage you can do whatever you want!"
"uff... but let me just see her!"
"hey, are you listening to me?! you have to wait until the marriage!"
"c'mon, just see..."
The girl, tired of him, allowed him to only see.
The boyfriend, very happy, looked under the skirt, moved a little bit her tanga, looked, smelled and then, a little bit worried asked her "SNIFF..SNIFF... but... are you sure that THIS will arrive good to the marriage?!"

In the world 1 person of 5 is chinese.
so at my home (we are 5) one has to be chinese. my mother or my father...or my brother Giovanni... or my sister Ho Chi Pin...

i'm pretty sure that is Giovanni...






This is horrible, i know...!

a policeman calls the information desk of the airport:
"sorry, how long does the plane from Rome to Bologna take?"
"one moment...."
"thank you " and closes.


ok, maybe to read is not funny.... but when my collegue recived the call and i was next to her it was really really terrible!! huahuahuahuauhahuahuahuahuhuahuahuahuahu

This is an advice for everyone

ALCOOL: CAUSES, EFFECTS and SOLUTIONS.

Sy = symptom - C = cause - Sol = solution

Sy: wet and cold feet
C: you took the glass in the wrong way
Sol: turn around the glass until the hole is up and closed down

Sy: wet and warm foot
C: you pissed in your pants
Sol: go to the nearest toilet and dry yourself

Sy: the wall in front of you is full of lights
C: you fell on the floor with your back
Sol: stand up with your feet on the floor

Sy: your mouth is full of cigarette ash
C: you fell in an ash-tray with your face
Sol: spit everything and wash your mouth with a good gin tonic

Sy: The floor is torbid and faded
C: your glass is empty
Sol: fill it up with a good gin tonic

Sy: the floor is moving
C: someone is dragging you
Sol: at least ask where are they going to

Sy: Your reflected face is looking at you in the water
C: you put the face in the toilet trying to throw up
Sol: put a finger (in your throath)

Sy: you hear a misterious echo when people talk
C: you have your glass on your ear
Sol: stop doing the clown...

Sy: the disco is moving a lot, people is all wearing white and the music is very repetitive
C: you're on an ambulance
Sol: don't move: probably ethyl alcohol coma

Sy: your father looks very strange and your brothers are looking at you in a strange way
C: this is not your home
Sol: at least ask if they know where you live

Sy: a big fire light is blinding you
C: you're drunk on the street and it's already day
Sol: cappuccino, brioches and a nice sleeping.

Uitspraak van verwijderd op zondag 17 februari 2008 om 01:18:

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ALCOOL: CAUSES, EFFECTS and SOLUTIONS.

Overdrive1979 wrote:

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op zaterdag 16 februari 2008 om 21:46:

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Madrid, the european city of nightlife

In the "Where you come from" topic.

best jokes ever !

Uitspraak van [41r]M4x op zondag 17 februari 2008 om 15:25:

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Overdrive1979 wrote:


Uitspraak van overdrive1979 op zaterdag 16 februari 2008 om 21:46:
Madrid, the european city of nightlife

In the "Where you come from" topic.

best jokes ever !

so true!

what do you call an ethiopian woman with a yeast infection?

quarter pounder with cheese

did you know that ducks die after having sex?

(pause ... people thinking "no?")

well the one i fucked did!

huahuahuahuahuahuahhuahauahuahuahuahauhauhuahauhau­ha

What are doing two blond girls on the roof of WTC?

They are waiting for a plane...

It is not a joke, is true!
I am a Spanish boy, my parents and grandparents are Spanish and Madrid is the best great city of europe south.

I invite you to visit my profile and my photos.

Also I invite you to visit the topic "The Spanish music, D.J. and party scene"

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op donderdag 21 februari 2008 om 22:41:

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Madrid is the best great city of europe south.

best joke ever!!!

I do not understand you.

Many Dutch people knows well the Spanish beaches, but you do not know anything of Madrid.

Madrid has similar population to the randstad urban area of Netherlands

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Largest_European_metropolitan_areas

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op donderdag 21 februari 2008 om 23:34:

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Many Dutch people knows well the Spanish beaches

yeah they know lloret de mar

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op donderdag 21 februari 2008 om 23:34:

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Madrid

big city, that's right but i wont spend my holidays there, not really what i call a "great city". Neither Barcelona (n)

I prefer Tenerife

Actually, Salou is the place to be

I have to do a topic photographic summary of Madrid and periphery, in order that enjoyments of the urban beauty.

Also I say that in Madrid they visit many famous D.J. of great international level, but in Barcelona not.

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op donderdag 21 februari 2008 om 23:52:

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Also I say that in Madrid they visit many famous D.J. of great international level, but in Barcelona not.

I guess they get paid better in Madrid than in Barcelona.Or maybe the sangria is better there... humm sangria!!! the only think i find nice about Spain

Yes, sangria is a good drink, since the Dutch people like the alcoholic Spanish drink.

I drink vodka with lemon

Hey Dutch boys, that such with the Spanish girls in vacations, many sex?

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op vrijdag 22 februari 2008 om 00:08:

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Spanish girls in vacations, many sex?

Spanish girls...
1. They are so fucking ugly
2. I would be affraid to get some diseases

soooooooooooooooooooooooo

EVERYBODY IN BERGAMO!!!

Bergamo is a nice place , been there a couple of times

i think so!

the best moment is in the morning, around 6 am... that you can see the sun shining and the old Bergamo on the hills from the place where planes land ... fantastic!

sometimes i love my job

Uitspraak van verwijderd op vrijdag 22 februari 2008 om 11:53:

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sometimes i love my job laatste aanpassing 22 februari 2008 11:53

love my job to , nice to see europe

Uitspraak van French connection op vrijdag 22 februari 2008 om 00:12:

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Spanish girls...
1. They are so fucking ugly
2. I would be affraid to get some diseases

Really?

I opened my mind and I enjoy sex with the Dutch girls, and in the future he will enjoy more when I visit MisteryLand, Qlimax, Defqon 1...

You looks these Spanish girls, but only looks, your way of thinking does not allow you to enjoy sex with Spanish girls

Paula Vazquez:
http://www.hormiga.org/programas-gratis/prgs/paula-vazquez-fondo1.jpg

Inma del Moral
http://www.msnfondos.net/Fondos/s52482/538.gif

Elsa Pataky:
http://80.34.38.142:8080/cronicadecantabria/galeria/fotos/ElsaPataki.jpg

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op vrijdag 22 februari 2008 om 21:59:

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Really?

really

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op vrijdag 22 februari 2008 om 21:59:

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Paula Vazquez:

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op vrijdag 22 februari 2008 om 21:59:

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Inma del Moral

that's what i'm saying... Ugly! Well, i should say "not my style"

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op vrijdag 22 februari 2008 om 21:59:

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Elsa Pataky:

that's better

Uitspraak van French connection op vrijdag 22 februari 2008 om 00:12:

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Spanish girls...
1. They are so fucking ugly
2. I would be affraid to get some diseases

You have the problem with the Spanish girls?
I do not know any Spanish sick girl

Do you discriminate?

I do not like the African girls and I do not travel to the African beaches.
You travel to the Spanish beaches but you discriminate against the Spanish sick girls? I do not understand you

They are just not my style with their dark hair ugly face and hairy legs, that's it...

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op zaterdag 23 februari 2008 om 16:38:

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You travel to the Spanish beaches

i don't. i've been there once, never again! (n) south of France is much better
But we are off topic now, so:

OT:

Spanish girls are gorgeous

Uitspraak van French connection op zaterdag 23 februari 2008 om 17:09:

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They are just not my style with their dark hair ugly face and hairy legs, that's it...
Uitspraak van overdrive1979 op zaterdag 23 februari 2008 om 16:38:
You travel to the Spanish beaches

i don't. i've been there once, never again! (n) south of France is much better

1. Dark hair; really, many Spanish girls are of black hair, but also she is blondes of blue eyes, is Spanish girls who seem to be Nordic European girls.

2. Ugly face: It is a personal thought, I think equally about the African, American and Chinese girls.

3. Hairy legs: It´s joke? I have never seen hairy legs in the Spanish girls.
The Spanish girls are depilated up to the genital area to enjoy the oral sex

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op zaterdag 23 februari 2008 om 17:35:

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The Spanish girls are depilated up to the genital area to enjoy the oral sex

Really, the last 10 Spanish girls who have had sex with me, 9 have genital area depilated

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op zaterdag 23 februari 2008 om 17:52:

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9 have genital area depilated

but they were 5 years old...

Uitspraak van French connection op zaterdag 23 februari 2008 om 17:55:

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but they were 5 years old...

I prefer girls 20-30 years old.
Also I search for Internet girls of 30-40 years old, divorcées and with many sexual free activity without any commitment, but they also are depilated the genital area

Uitspraak van Ba bam ba bam op zaterdag 23 februari 2008 om 18:37:

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Also I search for Internet girls of 30-40 years old, divorcées and with many sexual free activity without commitment

overdrive1979 I pay u respect mate !

respect for making me laugh each time I read u!

YOU are the "funniest jokes and stories' topic", all you alone !

What is the only one white thing which nigger has?



Owner...

How does every racist joke start?

(look over your left shoulder, then over your right.)

Do you see some racist here? Because I dont :]

These aren't Murphy's Laws but some of them should be

The Law of Volunteering:
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell:
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Common Sense:
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality:
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice:
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Motivation:
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.

Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway's Law:
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkedness:
You can't fall off the floor.

Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.

Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

The Law of Reality:
Never get into fights with ugl­y people, they have nothing to lose.

:l­ol:

I liked that one...

The Law of Self Sacrifice:
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A Baboom !

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Uitspraak van Cmdr_Keen op vrijdag 29 februari 2008 om 09:43:

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The Russians used a pencil.

uahuahuahuauhahuahuauahuhuahuahuauah