Tell us your funniest jokes & stories

here


editor's note: please bear in mind that jokes that would seem rather normal to some Dutch people (like about illnesses) can be considered quite tasteless or offensive by others. Blonde jokes are usually OK, though - DSW

there

every where

what the fuck

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, the bear asks the rabbit: Do you also have troubles with shit sticking to your fur??The rabbit says no..so the bear whipes his ass with the rabbit

There were 2 asses...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Uitspraak van verwijderd op maandag 9 mei 2005 om 15:31:

▶

There were 2 asses...

Two Indians and a Redneck were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Redneck was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian.

"It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave.

The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Redneck wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read...

"NAKED REDNECK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!"

and of course this one...

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that
they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his
inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the
lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

Is this what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?!"

"Honey! Let me explain!"

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted. "Maybe you'd care to
explain our 2 kids!!!"

Haha funny as

A german walks down the streets in Amsterdam on the 4th of May (rememberance day). He looks around and wonders why all the flags are hung half pole. He walks into a bar and ask the waitress why everything's so quiet and the flags are half pole to which she answers

"To remember all the jews and others that died in the war".

The german looks up and asks: "So why don't you remember all the germans that died as well. There were far more germans that died than jews."

To which she answers:

"Thats what we celebrate on the fifth."

:>

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.........

How do you stop a clown from smiling?

Wash his face!

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?" Bush answers, "How about a quickie?" Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'"

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Bami & DSW

Fortunately, I've got tons of the stuff on my American site (contributed by ppl from all over the world)

---

DEPARTMENT OF FISH AND WILDLIFE WARNING

The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the almost unnoticed death last week of a very important person. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at home. He was 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.... and then the trouble started.

why did belgians make war to the dutch over 100 years?






to understand their jokes....

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school. The 4th grade class is in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an Accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Li'l Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying President Bush and Vice President Cheney, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Li'l Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss!"

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.

Q. What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
A.
One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small
children.
The other is used to hold groceries.

Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A. Michael Jackson's hand.

Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
every night? A. Hanson.

Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.

Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.

Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?
A. I'll swap you a 10 for two fives

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...
Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, okay, can we get Aladdin?
Janet: No, just a pizza and video

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson:
If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll
have no choice but to make him a priest.

FBI have raided Michael Jackson's house:
They found class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living
room and Class 5C in his bedroom.

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "Doctor, how long before
we can have sex?" "I'd wait until he's at least 14," the doctor replies.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A True Story (source: BBC)

The Illinois supreme court has decided that the man who barked at a police dog can't be prosecuted further. Even though the law specifically forbids cruelty to and intimidation of police dogs and horses, it was the dog that started the conversation by barking first, so by answering in the same tone, the man was just exercising his right to free speech.

23 Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11. War Dims Hope for Peace
12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
14. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
21. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
22. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
23. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

A young woman walked into a very big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young woman says, "Yeah, I worked in a Nice & Easy convenience store."

Well, the boss liked her manner so he gave her the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

Her first day on the job was rough but she got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

She says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Young lady, our sales people are paid a flat salary, and we expect 20 to 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?"

She says "A little over $100,000."

The boss says "Over $100,000.? What in the world did you sell?"

She says, "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down off the coast of New Jersey, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that nice 4X4 Blazer."

The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

She says, "Well no. He came in here to buy a female product for his wife and I said, 'Well, looks like your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.'"

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."

There's this blonde on a flight to New York.
She bought an economy class ticket, but sat in business class.
The stewardess walked up to her and asked her to go down to economy class.
The blonde just refused and said: "Look, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and have big tits. I am not leaving this seat!"
Once again, the stewardess asked her to get up and go to economy class to which the blonde once again replied: "Look, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and have big tits. I am not leaving this seat!"
So the stewardess went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilots. The co-pilot then said he would have a word with her, did so, and the blonde once more replied: "Look, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and have big tits. I am not leaving this seat!"
By this point the stewardess had enough and the co-pilot didn't know what to do. So he went back to the cockpit and told the pilot he couldn't get her to move. Pilot says: "Right, don't worry, I'll sort this!"
Once arrived in business class the pilot whispered into the blonde's ear, stood up and went back to the cockpit. All of a sudden the blonde got up and went to economy class. Absolutely stunned, the stewardess went to the cockpit and asked the pilot how he sorted her. To which the pilot said: "I'm married to a blonde, I know what they can be like."
Curious to know, the co-pilot then asked: "but what did you say to her?"

"Business class doesn't go to New York"

Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:

1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."

2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."

3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."

4. "One bleeding mirror doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."

5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."

6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."

7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."

8. "Did you know that the punk band "Grave Robber" holds their practice sessions right next door?"

9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."

10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

Actual Analogies & Metaphors Found in High School Essays: (VERY funny stuff!)

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

It was an American tradition, like a father chasing around his children with power tools.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Here's one


Two guys were hiking up a mountain when they came upon some people bungee jumping. One said to the other, "how about it?" The other replied, " No way.I came into this world because of a broken rubber. I'm not leaving it the same way."

didn't know that one

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have
to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in
a chat room on MSN, then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and
we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your
mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready
to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
but it was too late to hit the delete button.

Six weeks later your mom
sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing
signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file
which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent.

As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he called out.

There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."

Gorilla Removal

A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert.
When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?''

The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.''

The man asks,''What is the gun for?''

The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''

Welsh Farmer






What do you call an Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

re: Gorilla Removal


I don't get it

time ago, a man went to a restaurant. the waiter offered him a table and a menu. the man refused the menu saying that he didn't need to read the menu because only smelling the cutlery he would know what do they have.
He sat and started smelling the cutlery, then he said to the waiter:
-mmhhh for first you have green salad, spaghetti with tomatoe or... or soup. i'll take the soup.
the waiter with rage because the man seemed to be laughing of him, brought him the soup.
after he finished the soup the waiter went again to the table and before he says nothing the customer started smelling again the cutlery. after this he said:
-for main course you have entrecotte, lassaña or pizza. i'll take the pizza please.
the waiter rabid by how the customer was guessing all the menu brought him the pizza with an anger face.

Then, the waiter went to the kitchen and said to the woman who was cleaning the dishes:
-please mary, i've one problem. there's a customer who is guessing all the menu only smelling the cutlery. could you put this spoon inside your pussy so that he won't guess the dessert?
mary accepted the strange petition of the waiter and put the spoon on her pussy and returned it to the waiter.
the waiter went with the spoon to the table and said to the customer:
-i suppose you want smell the spoon for guess the dessert isn't it?
the customer replied:
-ok give me...
he started to smell the spoon once and changed his happy face to a strange face. continued smelling the spoon many times.
the waiter thinking he have won the battle said to the customer:
-what happens? why you can't say me the dessert?
the customer answered:
- yes, yes... for dessert you have yogurt, chocolate cake, and apple, but since when is mary working in the kitchen??

LOL

too bad I can't use it for my own site (it's "all ages" )


and here's Today's Cartoon

Whahahahah @ the cutlery smelling joke

and speaking about 'puters.... have you tried "Windows RG" (for Real Good) yet?

especially for people who like to click lots of dumb buttons (and don't give up too quickly, it might have more options than you expect)!

free trial: http://www.deanliou.com/WinRG/WinRG.htm

no, i used to have Windows NT tho...

NT = 'Nice Try'

and an important news headine...



.

Heaven is becoming too crowded so St.Peter decides that only people who had a really bad day the day they died would be allowed in. Soon after, a man comes up to the gates and St. Peter asks him to describe his day. The man replies:

"I was certain my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her in the act. When I got there, I found my wife naked in the bedroom and a naked man on the balcony and I just flipped out. I tied him to the fridge and pushed it off the balcony. Then, from the stress and strain of the situation, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter pondered for a moment, and then allowed the man to enter as it was a crime of passion.

A second man comes to the gate and is asked to relate his final moments. He replies: "Well, I'm out on my balcony sunbathing in the nude, when, all of a sudden, the floor gives way and I fall to the balcony below. The next thing I know, this man grabs me in a fit of rage, ties me to his fridge and pushes me off the balcony." St. Peter admits the man, thinking to himself that this is a lot of fun.

A third man approaches St. Peter and is asked about the circumstances of his death. He replies: "Picture this: I'm hiding in this guy's fridge..."

A man has not been feeling well and goes to the doctor for a check up. After the physical examination and a battery of blood tests and X-rays, he asks the doctor about his situation.

The doctor replies, "You are very sick. You might not live longer than perhaps three or four months."

The man, in despair, yet, with a glimpse of hope says, "If you don't mind, doctor, I would like to have a second opinion."

"Okay," the doctor answers, "you're ugly, too!"