S ituation
N ormally
A ll
F ucked
U p
[bWords to live by...[/b]]
Words to live by...
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you've just made it again.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
A day without sunshine is like.................well, night.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
[bDid you know...?[/b]]
Did you know...?
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
(I wouldn't either if I had teeth like that)
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
(Now I am far from a geography expert....but I can't believe I never noticed that before)
It's impossible to lick your elbow.
(ummmm.....ok)
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
(who researches these things)
Nearly everyone who reads this will try and lick their elbow.
(I believe that one....I know I tried)
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
(I hate to even ask how someone gets attacked by their toilet)
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened
(and the person who wanted to know exactly how long a hanger is bad enough that he unraveled one has way too much time on his hands)
Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
(I shudder at the thought of that)
The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
(but its not nearly as funny as them sticking their heads in the sand because they think they are invisible)
Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem
(I'm not sure why I find this funny!)
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason under Guam law?? It is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course! Where else would you expect to see a topless saleswoman??) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
(Are you still thinking about the pig thing? Cuz I am)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? That hardly seems fair)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares? How'd they find out? Did they ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
(And why pigs?)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Bet he wishes he was born a pig)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, geez. That's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
People who suffer from fear of long words have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.
(Can you image how much fun that guy's therapist had when he told him?)
The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is 'Live Free or Die'. These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.
(Ironic, isn't it?)
[bThoughts to ponder[/b]]
Thoughts to ponder
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why are drive-through ATM machines in braille?
Why do you drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? And if there is one goose and 2 geese, why isn't there one moose, 2 meese?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you try first?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
