We all know that we suppose to believe in fairytales.. Just to keep your deepest desires and fantasies alive. "What can happen there, can happen here too." In the end, you never know..

But after all, they are and stay surreal. Just like reallife sometimes. Tho, the only thing I still wish for everytime, is that after bad and dark times, just like in those fairytales, there always be a happy end. Which my reallife always fails to provide me.

After this horrendous time I have to go through... this is where you have to beat me down with. Like you knew all along. Why did you even tried to make this look like something that would lead into a happy ending, while you knew that you would do this to me.

I just don't know why I have to go through things like this every single time. Why do people have to abandon me the way they always seem to do When does this ever end... Even when I do so much to make things right.

I fucking fight so damn hard to keep my mind on good things in life. But the bravery upagainst everything, seeps away every single time my life puts me in positions like this.

How am I suppose to keep fighting when there's nothing left to fight for. How am I to change the world, if the world doesn't change for me too.

-When you work you get paid, if you work even harder, you get paid even more. But for the hard, heartaching work I do, I get nothing, just pain and tears.-

When you say that I have to keep believing and if my heart really wants something and you keep believing, that'll become reality. Well, then I ask you... HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO WANT THIS?!

There's nothing in the world that I want more. Some fun, some things to keep you feeling alive. What makes life worth living for.. But it seems somehow that life only wants me to lose faith and hope, so it can beat me down easily. So sickness can take over my body, so I'll finally give up and give in, so death can take me away from this misery.

When my brother says "Death is a gift" there's nothing more I can add to it. I agree with him and I just wish that gift is what is not to be delayed. I wish for it, I long for it. I don't want to feel this agony anymore.. The agony for everyday life, of knowing that I have to spend my life without things that would at least make the endless-road a little less endless. But that's just not what life grants me, so it seems.

Of course I have to learn from things like this, which I probably didn't do enough yet. Otherwise I wouldn't have to go through this over and over. But does that mean that I just have to sattle with the fact that I'm just not worth having fun?

I wish that something would just come my way some time and would be a fairytale coming true for me.. just for once.. But I guess I had my time already and have to live in suffering the rest of the path.

The heart sinks into my shoes, every single time you beat me down. And even if I'm face down already, you keep kicking.. defenseless I stay behind, grawling up again, waiting to get beaten down again some time soon.

Thank you.