I'm feeling lost.
Everything in me died yesterday.
The hope the I was learning to trust people again, broke into pieces yesterday. And I don't feel I can ever open up again.

The moment we stepped into the pub, I felt hated and wished away.

You don't even know why I had arranged this for you.
Well, I'll explain.

A few weeks ago, you mentioned that you wanted to see S&M again soon. To have a chat with them under the pleasure of a glass of beer. With everything that was going on with you and your busy schadule of running away from the shit in your life, till yesterday, you haven't seen them.
Which made me think; if I could bring them to you, that would be cool, right? That's why i ASKED you if you would like it if we'd come to you. You'd let me know you liked that idea and so I asked S&M to do so. At first they didn't want to go cause of some bad memories but after a while they decided to go anyways, for you. I was all happy cause I hoped that I could do this for you.
But the moment I stepped into the pub, I just felt so extremely unwanted. With great difficulty a "Hi" came from your lips. No hug, no smile, just the unbelievable nasty look on your face.
I saw that you were ordering drinks and asked me if I'd wanted something and I said "yes". It was my plan to pay for the drinks that night cause I had a godsend. And so as I am, I wanted to share that with you and some others that've been nothing but nice to me lately. So I pushed 20 euro's in your hands.
Later you wanted to give te money back to me, but I didn't want it. With a little "yes" and "no" game, you took the money and continued with pulling that "you are unwanted"-face towards me.
-I know my place in places where are lots of people. I watch what I do to not "hang around you" too much. To avoid rumours. To not make this even more difficult as it already is.
But you could've act a little more like your speaking-
I kept myself in the shadow of all the sociability and some times I got a stabbing pain in my lower belly. Time for me to sitdown. But no barstool to sit on so I planted my ass on the edge under the bar. Had lots of fun from where I was and I was happy to see you were talking with S cause you didn't see her for a long time. Besides the fact that I still really didn't understand what the fuck I did wrong to be treated the way you'd treat me.
When you guys left to eat something, S&M and me agreed to wait in the pub. But after a while S suggested to walk your way and maybe find another pub to spend the night. I agreed and we left. We walked walked walked. And after asolute sure, an hour of walking, I started to feel extreme pain in my abdomen.
We decided to stop by the nearest pub to sit there and for me to take a rest. But at the moment we were there, we instandly left again. Without even a word.
I felt so left out. So hurt and so ignored. I was in so much pain and only the one I knew least, was the most concerned and helpful. My pain only got worse by walking and I wanted to ask if we could go back, but no one but J heard me. And he told me that you guys were pretty sick-acting against me, for all that matters what "friends" stand for. That, in combination with the growing pains, made me tear up.
No I didn't want to go home, but I wanted to sit some place warm and enjoy. Not walking around in the middle of the night without purpose and pain that's awakend by movement.
I got so angry from the pain that I had to feel. From being bashed by folks that claim to be your friends. And "will be there for you", "care about you". Everything. A lie.
I didn't want to go home, cause I wanted to let you people have your fun and chats. I wanted to sit some place warm. Cause that would have make the pain go down and let me have fun aswell.

So everything I did yesterday was to get you to see your friends again.
And everything I got was the extreme feeling of being hated once again.
And now I ask myself, was it worth it?
No, it wasn't.
Did we learn from it?
Yes, alot.
Which is; Words that been said have no meaning. Words remain words. And the feeling, even te smallest feeling the words brought, are not true. It was worth it to again remember why I don't have much friends.