Reality is for people who can't handle drugs...
My Dad dresses up like my Mom, my Mom dresses up like my Dad.
They're Transparent... It's a real drag.
Long time ago, my very first SMS:
"Yeah, just got my new phone, this is my first text from me to y... Oh Shit... I just hit a pedestrian"...
Follow your heart, but don't forget to bring your brain...
We live in a world where "deleting history" is more important
than "making history"...
Ten Things Men Know About Women...
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have Boobs.
Cheerleaders in action: Gimmy a "T", Gimmy an "E", Gimmy an "A", Gimmy an "M"...
What's that spell? ehhh... MEAT ?
Biggest lie ever: I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions.
Hi, we're going to see Titanic 3D. Wanna come too?
No, I'm going to an Hentai convention to watch teenage girls gang bang giant Squids...
Ladies, consider speed dating. The only men that make a good impression the first thirty seconds are... Liars.
I have a terrible girlfriend...
When I say "Jump"... She says: "jump who?"
Living in space is awesome, but if you jerk off too much...
After a while... It's like living in a snow globe !
Wanna come to my Myspace and Twitter my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook ?
In a perfect world... Spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penises, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.
Nine out of ten guys prefer Big Boobs. The tenth guy...?
Prefers the nine other guys.
Life Motto: "Carpé the fuck out of that Diem"...!!!
A black fly in your Chardonnay is just unfortunate.
A Scotch Man cloning a sheep... Now that's irony... !
What's wrong with this planet...? I just googled "Apples and oranges",
and it directed me to "fruit-up-your-ass(dot)com"
Spongebob is not a contraceptive...!
Your body might be a Temple... Mine is an Amusement park !
Went to the movies today and saw: Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead... Part 2... 3D... in I-max" The book was better...!
To be single or to be married comes down to one thing...
Weather you wanna be lonely... or annoyed the rest of your life.
If I'd spent as much time practising piano as I do on Facebook, I'd be a friggin' Mozart in a year.
-----------------------
When you date new people you should have to follow a system of little keycards with all your emotional problems on it. You can then, in turn, slap those cards down on the table and you would know right away what kind of Freak you're dealing with... Picture this...
Your card: Hi, My name is ... and I'm a Scorpio.
His/her card: Hi, My name is ... and I'm a Psycho.
Your card: My father used to lock me in the closet when I was three.
His/her card: My father came out of the closet when I was three.
Your card: I'm self-centered and I'm obsessed with my physical appearance.
His/her card: Hey, I'm from Los Angeles as well...
Your card: I can't have an orgasm unless I'm on top.
His/her card: I can't have an orgasm unless I'm on Crack !!!
Your card: I have an imaginary friend named Charlie.
His/her card: ??? You know Charlie ???
Your card: I'm neurotic, I need to see other people.
His/her card: I'm Schizophrenic, I AM other people...!!!
R. Jeni (r.i.p.)
-----------------------
Somebody told me: "If you wanna eat pussy real good, you need to form the alphabet with your tongue." So I practiced that, tried it out on my girlfriend and she absolutely loved it. But now she left me for a Chinese guy.
