@NODE ADDITIVES "Additives"
Harmful additives are a formidable weapon against machinery, people, and
processes. Additives perform one or more of the following:
1) Corrosion...sulfuric acid, for example, will corrode the gutter, eaves, and
downspout of a home; dumped salt will mar a building surface or floor and
kill a lawn.
2) Contamination...copper salts will rot rubber products; soap in a public or
corporate fountain will create giant foam. Or put it in a steam boiler if
you're more serious about the matter.
3) Abrasion...introduction of light, coarse materials, such as resins, to
automotive fuel, or metal filings placed in the gears of industrial
machinery, will create frictional havoc.
4) Impurities...adding sugar to gasoline greates harmful carbon from the
burning sugar, stopping the engine.
Soaps and detergents make wonderful additions to food and could even be
beneficial if the target happens to be constipated. If not, then soap-laden
munchies or drinks will really keep him moving.
During my stay as an invited guest of Uncle Sam I recall some dirty
tricksters' making an action statement against being in KP. They liberally
coated various pans and cooking vessels with GI soap. They washed mugs with a
lot of soap, then neglected to rinse them before letting the utensils dry.
Later, when some drinkable potion like milk or coffee was poured into the mug
by some unsuspecting mark, the soap was activated. Whoosh!
Soap is also a very effective additive to containers in which food is
prepared. The secret is to disguise the taste. Various other additives will
do that and other tricks.
A horny old pharmacist, Doctor Frank Pittlover, claims there really is a
working aphrodisiac. His is almost as esoteric as the fake stuff you read
about in men's magazines. Here's what Doctor Pittlover says: "It's known as
yohimmbine hydrochloride (C21, H23, O3N2), an obscure sex stimulant that
operates on the central nervous system. It was the aphrodisiac used by the
CIA in their MK/ULTRA scam." It is not on the Central Substances Act list
--yet--and it is classed as a "veterinary aphrodisiac." That means you can
get it openly from a pharmaceutical supply source. What you do with it after
you get it is probably your own business.
There are other references to and uses of additives in many other topical
areas of your revenge...many more than could be indexed here.
"Take tea and see" is a good advertising slogan that should also alert
the dirty trickster to some additives brought to our attention by herbal-tea
producers. Two common products of many herbal teas have side effects that the
trickster could define only as delightful. First, some teas contain the
leaves, flowers, and the bark of senna plant, a tropical shrub related to our
bean plant. The dried leaves, bark, and flowers of this plant are a mighty
powerful laxative. Chamomile flowers are also popular in herbal teas.
Related to ragweed and goldenrod, chamomile can produce severe reactions in
people sensitive to plants of that family.
The trick in both cases is to obtain extracts of both products and use
them in concentrated enough additive form to create the desired effect.
Meanwhile, from the other end, Doctor Christopher Garwood Doyle has a
prescription that could really get amark moving. Syrup of ipecac is a common
purgative, easily available. Here's how Doctor Goyle uses it.
"Your mark is with you or your agent somewhere having a few drinks," the
doctor outlines. "Presumably, the mark is drinking something sweet and heavy,
like rum and Coke. When the mark goes to the bathroom or is otherwise out of
the area, mix one tablespoon of syrup in ipecac in with the drink.
"You now have a fifteen-minute waiting--or escaping, if you prefer--
period for the mixture to get active. After that, bombs away! The mark will
begin violent projectile vomiting, which really messes up the nearby
environment and anyone else who happens to be the way.
"We first did this in medical school, using to get back at a classmate
who'd turned us in to officials for having an after-hours party in our dorm
with women and booze. They threw the book at us because we were supposed to
be mature medical students.
"The student who did this fancied himself as a real boozer," Doctor Doyle
explained, "but he really was a hell of a hypocrite about it and really played
pious when he turned us in. So we figured he who tattles about booze shall
also toss his booze."
Doctor Doyle reports that this additive will work easily with
non-alcoholic drinks, too. He says the secret is to select a carrier drink
that will hide the taste and consistency of the syrup.
Another good remedy for a hotshot is cascara sagrada, made from the dried
root of a thorny shrub found on the American West Coast. It produces violent
diarrhea. Once, Joe Kascaba introduced some cascara sagranda into a mark's
orange juice. The mark was with his girlfriend and her parents in their
family car. He had the "juiced" orange juice about ten minutes before getting
into the car.
Kascaba reminisced, "The stuff's fast acting, and we were lucky to have
the girlfriend's brother as our ally, to report the action. It hit the mark
about six minutes into the trip, and in another minute he didn't even have
time to yell for them to pull over. He just started letting go with loud,
wet, explosive bursts.
"This is all in full witness of his girlfriend and her family in a
tightly packed auto. He couldn't get stopped, either. They took him to a
hospital, but by then the additive was through his system and the storm had
subsided. That surely is super powerful stuff."
Kascaba explained why he had taken action this explosive action, saying,
"The guy was a real creep. He was always trying to make out with other girls,
and since he wasn't very smooth, he used to get them drunk. This was always
with other girls, of course--his regular girlfriend knew nothing about all of
this.
"Well, one night he pulled this crap on a friend of mine, got her drunk,
messed around...she got this feeling all guilty and emotional, then got sick
--puked, in fact. He thought he was macho stuff and gave her hell for it.
"We figured if he was going to act like such a shit...well, I'm sure you
understand...."
The above trick is suggested to be used in such a place so that your mark
can not easily reach a bathroom within a few minutes after the attack hits.
This will cause him to literally shit his pants and drip at the heels.
As a final note, Kascaba says not to use this powerful additive with
older folks, because it weaken them to the point of very seroius medical
complications such as dehyrdration which may kill them. Have some respect for
the elderly, think of your grandmother!
The following trick is technically a substitution and not an additive: I
know of one person who visited her mark's home and emptied the hair
conditioner out of his bottle, then poured Neet hair remover into the
conditioner bottle. She knew that Operation Substitute was a bald success
when she saw her mark in a local store several weeks later, wearing a large
scarf on his head.
Vinegar makes a great substitute for nose drops or in nasal-spray
devices. One especially nasty person also suggested it for use in eye drops.
I'm not sure about that one though, sight's a precious thing. You'd better
reserve that one for a very deserving person that shot your dog, wrecked your
computer, busted you for phreaking, etc.
@ENDNODE
@NODE AIRLINES "Airlines"
Arrange to have a friend meet you at the terminal gate when you deplane.
Give your friend your baggage claim checks and have him/her retrieve your bags
from the carousel, then leave the baggage area with your bags. Before your
friend leaves the airport with your luggage, be sure to get your claim checks
back. Then, you saunter over to the baggage area, spend half an hour waiting
for your bags. Ask some clerks for help, then report your "missing" luggage,
showing your claim checks as proof. Very few flights ever have a clerk
actually check the baggage and collect claim checks. It's foolish, but they
don't. Make a polite, but firm scene and demand satisfaction. Normally, the
airline people will have you fill out a form and they will attempt to find
your luggage. Obviously, they won't find it. Bug them some...write them
letters. Soon, you should get a good settlement from the airline. Don't try
to pull this one on the same airline more than once!
Leaving the airlines and aiming for the individual mark, you can do a lot of
personal damage. For instance, if you find your mark is going to use airline
travel, you could call and cancel the reservations.
You might try to slip a couple rounds of pistol ammunition or a switchblade
in to your mark's pocket just before he goes through the metal detector at the
airport terminal. You could also slip some drugs into his pocket at the same
time. Read a book on pick pocketing to note the technique for doing this.
It's quite easy. Leave accurate-looking, but totally bogus hijack scenario
plans, bomb diagrams, or orders of battle for terrorist attacks in airport
bars and restrooms. This fires up both the rent-a-cops and the real security
people. The security delays and resultant hassles with passengers create
unhappy people who are angry at airports and airlines. Naturally, the blame
for these plans must focus on your mark. If he has really been bugging you
it's about time to get even!
Leaving the airlines and aiming for individual mark, you can do a lot of
personal damage. For instance, if you find that your mark is going to use
airline travel and there are only a few travel agents in town, you could call
until you find the correct one and cancel the reservations. Or if you know
the name of the airline, call their office and cancel the mark's reservations.
You might try to slip a couple of rounds of pistol ammunition or a
switchblade knife into your mark's pocket just before he goes through the
metal detector at the airport terminal. You could also slip some drugs into
his pocket at the same time. Read a book on pickpocketing to note the
technique for doing this. It's quite easy since you are placing stuff back.
Bill Cutcheon sometimes poses as a Moonie, Hare Krishna devotee, or other
cultist and goes to airports. His goal is to act like a completely obnoxious
fool. He really hams it up, usually getting tossed out after totally grossing
out the passengers. The heat, of course, falls equally on the cults and on
the airport for letting "them" behave like that.
Another Cutcheon stunt is to leave accurate-looking but totally bogus
hijack scenario plans, bomb diagrams, or orders for terrorists attacks in
airport bars and restrooms. This fires up both the rent-a-cops and the real
security people. The security delays and resultant hassles with passengers
create unhappy people who are angry at airports and airlines.
Naturally, thew blame for these plans must focus on the original
perpetrator of Cutcheon's problems. He says, "If some nut group's been
hassling me for money, messing in my neighborhood, or otherwise being
obnoxious, I'll leave evidence to pin the hijack or bomb rap on them. I got
back at a motorcycle gang by doing this once, after they had sideswiped
my truck and refused to pay damages."
He also explains that this is a good vengeance grabber against an airport
facility that has offended you.
Mitch Egan of San Francisco doesn't like cultist panhandlers harassing
people at airports, so he founded the Fellowship to Resist Organized Groups
Involved in Exploitation, or FROGIE. Egan and his friends use those little
metal clickers shaped like frogs to ward of religious solicitors.
According to Egan, thousands of people across the country are now armed
with the little metal frogs, and when a religious panhandler approaches, they
whip out the clicker and "Click, click, click!" the pest away.
"In San Francisco, I saw two hundred people clicking away at a Krishna,"
Egan remarked. "They blew her right out of her socks."
He adds, "If God wants a dollar from me, he can ask for it. I'm not
against religion, but I'm fed up with organized beggars."
Relief is just a click away.
I knew a chap who became annoyed at a Krishna who followed him out of the
Indianapolis airport, verbally abusing him for not making a contribution.
Having surreptitiously "armed and primed" himself, our hero suddenly stopped,
whipped around, and pissed all over the startled harridan. After the few
necessary seconds of attack, he calmly replaced himself, zipped up, and walked
away. A bemused security cop nearby tried to hide his laughter.
@ENDNODE
@NODE ANIMALS "Animals"
If your mark is an oily cuss with a credibility problem you should easily
pull off this stunt. It involves a cop, reporters, SPCA folks and some farm
animals. Call the police and tell them you know about a cock or dog fight
that's being held at your mark's home. Explain that you have no morals
against animal fighting but you lost big money there last time and think the
fights are fixed. Next call your mark and report to him that some people
are holding dog or cock fights on his property. Call the reporters and SPCA
and tell them all about the fight. Mention that your mark and the cops have
a payoff relationship. Give everyone the same general arrival time, never be
too specific. Hopefully, all will sort of show up at the same time. You might
manipulate things so the press and animal lovers show up first. Even if a
real story doesn't develop, you have scattered some strong seeds of distrust.
If you want a stronger story, find a dead dog on the road or something and
plant it near by and tell the reporters and SPCA where to find the evidence.
It will be fun to hear your mark and the cops talk about everything to the
reporters.
Dead animals are very useful. Wait until your mark goes on a trip and will
be leaving his car or house empty for several days. Get into the car
or house and stuff very large and very dead animals everywhere. Your mark will
probably have to sell his car and fumigate his house when he returns.
If you are bothered by big dogs chasing you just take a good quality
plastic water pistol and fill it with freshly squeezed lemon juice. Shoot
the furball right in the eyes and it'll soon stop the canine harassment.
@ENDNODE
@NODE APARTMENTS "Apartments"
Your mark lives in an apartment? A squirt or so of Eastman 910 or a
similar type glue into the lock can screw up the mark's trying to get back
into the apartment after an evening on the town. It's best to save this one
until late evening or on a weekend. Of course, this same stunt would work on
a house, but an apartment lockout disturbance causes more of a public scene.
If the mark's apartment is an older building with wooden door frames and
you can work quitly and quickly at night, you can lock him/her in the
apartment from the outside. Quietly fix a hasp and keeper on the door and
frame using wooden screws. Then slap a padlock on the new fixture. It
creates a great deal of frustration if that door is the only way out of the
apartment. Do it late Saturday night so the discovery is made on Sunday
morning when it's impossible to get help.
Run a classified ad offering to sublet the mark's apartment. You can
list either the mark's telephone number or that of his/her landlord. As
usual, make the contact hour for very early in the morning "because of
shift-work schedule."
You might want to make a "milk run" to the mark's apartment very early on
several mornings and place a whole bunch of empty booze bottles outside his or
her door. This works well in ritzy apartments where the neighbors are snobs.
How do you get by the security people? One way is to pose as a delivery
person, a service person, a building inspector, or someone on a work crew.
You can also hire an accomplice in the building, or you can bribe the door
guard.
Suppose you are the victim of a nasty landlord who evicts you for no good
reason. There are lots of legal ways to get your tenant's rights, but there
are also many quasi-legal and illegal ways that are much more fun. For
example, you could simply "sublet" the place, on your own, to a bunch of
dopers, bikers, drunks, hookers, runaways, or twenty-four-hour party throwers.
Make this extracuricular subletting your going-away surprise.
Another person I know went to the local animal shelter on several
different days and got a total of fifteen cats for twenty-five dollars. He
bought a bunch of cat food and a bushel basket of fish, and filled his bathtub
with water for them. He then nailed every window and door shut from the
inside before crawling out the tiny casement window in the basement. He had
previously nailed the basement door shut behind him. Obviously, he had moved
his things out several days previously. His eviction notice was effective the
next day, but the landlord didn't check on the house for five days. My God,
what a mistake that man made. To say that that cat house was an uninhabitable
mess is an understatement.
Tim Carroll was tossed out of his apartment by the landlady because one
of Tim's many lady friends stayed over for the whole entire evening. This
upset the old biddy who owened the building, and being a staunch, God-fearing
charter member of the DAR, she canceled his lease and ordered him to leave the
building.
Displeased with the abitrary and unilateral treatment and the upheaveal
caused by her dubious moral judgement, Tim didn't get angry; he got even. He
had a trusted friend place a large sign in a hallway window of the landlady's
apartment building. The seventh-floor window faced a busy business street,
and the sign was quite visible to many hundreds of people.
The sign read: TIM CARROLL SUCKS.
The landlady didn't see the sign, so two days later, Tim's friend
positioned another sign, this time in a sixth-floor-hall window.
The second sign read: TIM CARROLL IS A FAG.
The landlady saw both signs and removed them. Two days later, she got a
letter from Tim, with a picture enclosed showing her building with the signs
easily visible. The letter was Tim's complaint about personal slander and
harassment. He asked her please to desist.
Sometime early the next morning, in time for rush-hour morning traffic, a
new sign went up in the window: TIM CARROLL BLOWS DEAD BEARS.
At 8:30 A.M., the unsuspecting landlady recieved a call from an attorney
friend of Tim's, citing the original slander and warning the woman against
further incidents. Shaken, she swore her innocence. Ten minutes after
hanging up, he called back, sounding furious because Tim had just called him
about the latest sign. Flabbergasted, the old lady swore she would remove it
and loudly proclaim her innocence.
Another sign went up that afternoon in time for rush-hour the other way:
TIM CARROLL IS A FLAMING HETEROSEXUAL.
The landlady got the lawyer's call just after dark, when the sign was no
longer visible. She was almost in tears because of his threats to sue. She
begged to just talk to Tim, to tell him none of this was her doing. The
attorney told her that he had advised his client to have no further
discussions with her.
The next day's sign read: FOR A GOOD LAY, CALL TIM CARROLL.
That evening, a new sign went up. The landlady, frantic, according to
Tim's friend who was putting up the signs, got to it fifteen minutes after it
went up. The attorney called her five minutes after she go back to her own
apartment.
Tim related, "You might feel almost sorry for the old lady, except that
she had told me earlier that she was going to keep my security deposit and
that I would have to forfeit the month's rent I had paid in advance because I
had violated the morality clause in my lease. The was no such clause. I
found out she had done this same thing to two other guys a year before and
some guys before that. She also tossed out a couple because they weren't
married. She'd come into your room when you were gone and snoop, too. That
bugged me."
No signs went up for the next three days, although the woman checked the
windows every twenty minutes or so. On the fourth day, hundreds of passersby,
accustomed to the signs weren't disappointed.
The new sign read: TIM CARROLL'S WHOREHOUSE.
Although it took her an hour to discover and remove it, the lawyer friend
of Tim's didn't call until the next morning, when a new sign was in the
window: WHOREHOUSE UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. The landlady's telephone number was
listed.
A second sign was placed on the sixth-floor window underneath: TIM
CARROLL COULDN'T BEAT THE COMPETITION.
In his best tones, the attorney explained that enough was enough and that
on behalf of his client, Mr. Carroll, he would be filing an action. The woman
was distraught. He told her to have her attorney present for a meeting at
three the following afternoon. He asked her who attorney was and said the
meeting should be in his office. Tim and his attorney postponed this meeting
several times, then told the woman that since she had stopped putting up the
signs, they would hold the suit in limbo for the time.
Reportedly, she monitored the halls and windows of that building
regularly for five months. But more importantly, she also left her tenants to
their own moral lives.
@ENDNODE
@NODE ASSASSINATION "Assassination"
Suppose you have a mark whose ill temper has created problems for you.
Or perhaps this mark is simply an obnoxious nut whose obsessions have cost you
personally. A dentist I know spent many unselfish hours working to get
flouride into his community's drinking water as a means of fighting tooth
decay in children. An apolitical and highly dedicated professional, he was
concerned only with healthcare for the kids in the community. A hyper,
rightwing zealot jumped on the issue and scared the town council with his
insane babble. He claimed that flouride was a Communist plot to poison
America's drinking water and minds and that using flouride would lead to LSD
as part of the International Communist Conspiracy. The timid council voted
"no" on flouride.
Beside himself, the young dentist said he surely would like to get back
at the rightwing firebrand but just didn't know what to do. Sighing, he gave
up his fight and put his time back into his practice. The kids never got
their flouride treatment, and as a result he had a lot of business. It's too
bad that young dentist never met Maurice Bishop.
In the hypocritical piety following the assassinations of the sixties,
physical security was supposedly tightened to protect the chief executive
chosen by the power brokers who now control the United States. A former
law-enforcement official with a probable intelligence background offered an
astounding dirty trick related to this topic. To protect this source's
identity we'll use the cover name of Maurice Bishop.
Bishop says that the CIA, FBI and Secret Service all keep a list of nut
cases, radicals, and others who threaten political figures. Often, these
people are jailed, kept under protective custody, or placed under
twenty-four-hour surveillance by autorities when poltical targets are in the
area. Bishop's idea calls for theatening telegrams to be sent to the
politician in the mark's name. At the very least this telegram will bring a
visit by one of the government agencies, and perhaps it will result in a bit
of jail time if the mark loses his/her cool as a result of this dirty trick.
Bishop says this will also work with state officials, bringing a visit
from state police or some other law enforcement official.
@ENDNODE
@NODE AUTO_DEALERS "Auto Dealers"
If an automobile dealership screws you, on either the car, the deal, or
the service, don't get angry--get even. Wait outside the showroom until a
prospective customer starts talking to a salesperson about the same type of
car you got. Walk right up to the customer and tell him you woeful story.
The idea is to screw up as many sales as you can (it will cost the dealer at
least $5000 for each screw-up). Be factual, be cool, and act as if you're an
honest citizen trying to save another honest citizen some money and heartache
--as you wish someone had done for you. Sincere good faith is the thing here,
because the salesman is going to blow his about the second time you pull your
act.
When the manager asks you to leave and you don't, he will probably call
the police. You had anticipated this earlier and alerted someone at the local
newspaper or television station--probably the action-line reporters.
Smalltown media usually won't allow reporters to come--car dealers buy lots of
ads, and you don't. A regional TV station may show up--if you promise a
confrontation with the law. So when the manager calls the police, you call
your TV reporter--fun and games for the 6:00 P.M. news.
If all this doesn't work, wait off the dealer's premises and approach
customers as they leave the showroom. Tell your story there and then. Offer
to help them avoid your mistake. But stay on public property. And keep after
the action-line reporters.
If you esculate the attack a bit, show up when the night salespeople are
on duty--they won't recognize you. Look at new cars; wander around. Few
salespeople pay much attention to an obvious gawker. As soon as someone else
or a telephone distracts the salesperson, you can do things to the automobile
right there in the showroom. A bottle opener is hard on the finish. See the
file on additives for things you could quickly put into the fuel tank. If you
could smuggle some in with you, stuff roadkill under a car seat or in the
glove compartment. Or toss a condom (preferably used) on the front seat. By
the way, used condoms make wonderful plants in other locations as well, like
the boss's desk, or in a customer's car back in the service shop.
If you can manage to slip undetected into the service area along with
your bag of sabotage goodies, such as glue, wire cutters, paint, potatoes,
M80s, etc., you can run amok. Work quietly and quickly. This sort of
guerrilla warfare can literally wreck a dealer's service reputation.
@ENDNODE
@NODE BANKS "Banks"
It could be time to make your bankroll. According to Townsend Alexander,
our financial intelligence agent, you can make good money buying some very
cheap foreign coins that are the same size as a quarters. Get a paper coin
wrapper. Wrap a few real quarters on the ends but fill the rest of the roll
with the cheapie import coins. Wrap the roll and with felt-tip pen write some
phony account number on it to add to authenticity.
Take the roll of coins into the targeted bank. If you dress like a
business person and go at a busy time, especially with the account number
written on each roll, and the rolls in a bank sack or your briefcase, the
teller will probably give you ten dollars per roll without checking.
If you could get a banker to tell the truth, he'd admit that they hate
college-student checking accounts. There's probably a lot of justification,
since most services like this for college students cost far more than they're
worth in return. However, that's not our problem.
Suppose you have a gripe with the bank. Acting as the bank's ad manager,
get in touch with the student newspaper at the school and arrange to run some
ads with banner headlines reading, STUDENTS WELCOME, plus such services as NO
SERVICE CHARGE, FREE CUSTOM-PRINTED CHECKS, INTREST ON THE BALANCE, NO MINIMUM
BALANCE, and so on. Offer to give away free albums or Walkman radios. The
day after the "bank's" ad runs they will be swamped with unwanted students,
who are going to be very angry at the bank (and probably at the student
newspaper).
Modern banks now have cash machines where you insert your plastic money
card and the machine gives you the money. If that institution or its machine
has become your target, here's a dairyland delight you could easily employ.
Take some tough, hard cheese and cut it the same size and shape as your
plastic card. Insert the cheese "card" into the slot of the machine and leave
the area. One banker told me it took a service person nine hours to clean the
machine and get it operating again when someone pulled this stunt in
Baltimore.
The bank still giving you trouble, or you didn't give them enough? It's
time to move things up the scale a notch. Rent a safe-deposit box under
another name. Pay cash for a three-month rental. That's all the time you'll
need to collect on this one. Go to the market and buy a couple of overripe
fish--I'm sure you'll get a bargain price. Carry them wrapped in plastic in
your briefcase. Go directly to your safe deposit box. In the privacy of the
bank's little cubicle, unwrap the fish and lay the big, stinky suckers right
in the safety deposit box. Close it, lock it, and store it. Then carry the
fish wrappers, briefcase, and yourself out of the bank. In a few days your
deposit will gain their intrest. You'd better do your real banking at another
institution for a while. It's quite possible bank officials will have to hire
someone to drill the lock on the targeted safe-deposit box to remove the
contents.
@ENDNODE
@NODE BIKERS "Bikers"
You're walking along a pedestrian sidewalk, and along come a bicyclist,
churning away his/her spare calories on that nonpolluting transportaion
device. Within moments you're an involuntary participant in a game of chicken
with that cyclist, who swerves while you weave. You finally pass each other
in good dodgeum-car fashion. Maybe. Wonderful stuff, adrenaline.
On the other cheek, maybe you've been blindsided by an irresponsible
cyclist trespassing on your pedestrian walk right of way.
"No more turning the other cheek," is the war cry of Mel Scafe, an
anticyclist who is fighting back.
"I've declared war on all two wheelers who trespass into my life," Mel
says. "I'll get the senior citizen bicyclist who forces me off my sidewalk on
the same day I get even with the teenage dirt biker who tears up the hill
behind my home."
One of Mel's tatics is to toss a length of chain into the spokes of the
dirt bike when it's roaring by. Instantly, the bike stops going forward while
the rider continues onward until gravity takes over.
"I've also used a wire cutter to snip the spokes on a bicycle whose owner
has done me a disfavor," Mel relates. "That'll cause a real collapse in his
biking game."
Another time he spread a large patch of grease on the path used by dirt
bikers.
He can't even estimate the pounds of air he's released from captivity in
bike tires. He's used all the nasty engine additives mentioned in another
file for these machines that disturb his world.
"I liked that Burt Reynolds movie where the truck driver drove his rig
over all those goddamn motorcycles," Mel grinned. Turning seriously, he
added, "I've thought about the old World War II trick of stretching piano or
barbed wire across a trail or bikeway, but I think that could be fatal, so I
don't really do it."
"If there were some way I could totally kill the damn machines and only
embarrass the people a bit I'd surely like to hear about it. Until then I
will stick to the old standards that have worked for me so far."
He adds, "I know people may sneer at me for being mean to kiddies on
their bicycles, and I know bicycles are an in thing today. But maybe if those
young riders learn some manners early and stay the hell off pesestrian
walkways, they might grow up to be decent people."
@ENDNODE
@NODE BOOKS "Books"
Did anyone ever borrow a book from you and not return it? Our private
library consultant, Roberta Russell, has a suggestion with an air of financial
finality behind it. For the first step, a printer should make you about three
or four dozen bookplates, all featuring your mark's name and address, plus the
legend, "If this book is lost and you find it and return it, I will pay you
$10 cash." Your next step is the local Goodwill Industries, a local thrift or
second-hand shop, or a garage sale for books. Buy two or three dozen used
hardcover books. You buy them as cheaply as you can, but they'll cost your
mark plenty. Your next step is to paste on the bookplates and distribute
these books--at the beach, on park benches, in a bus or subway, or in a bar or
restaurant. The final step is for you to enjoy a good chuckle at your mark's
expense, as people find the "lost" books.
If your mark has a fine library, you might consider introducing it to
silverfish. They love good books; in fact they will devour them. If you feel
this nasty, you probably already know where to get silverfish and their eggs.
This one bothers me, though, since I love good books. Maybe there's a better
way. Perhaps you could put an earwig in you mark's bed pillow.
Why not give your mark the image of a philathropic person? Donate books
in his/her name to the local library, but without either party's knowledge.
Buy a bunch of really scuzzy porno paperbacks, especially the colorfully
illustrated ones from Denmark--the more grossly hardcore, the better. Your
printer will produce some paste-in bookplates that say something like this,
"This book donated to the [Name] library by [Mark's name] in loving memory of
all the sweet children of [Town name]." Paste in the bookplates and sprinkle
the donated books around the local library. Put some in the children section,
and others in the religion books.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CAMPUSES "Campuses"
Not everyone is hibernating on college campuses. Although it's true that
many students have become docile zombies, lobotimized by lethal doses of
television and the bureaucracy of the educational system, there are a few live
ones. At an eastern university, a number of students got upset with the rent
gouging of a massive corporation acting as an absentee landlord for private
off-campus dormitories. After getting nowhere appealing to an untesticled
school administration, and after being ignored by a housing inspector and a
city council belonging to the same social class and clubs as the corporate
landlords, the students held a pizza party.
The unusual part was the the pizza party was held in the clothes dryers
of the dormitory laundry rooms. One particpant reported, "We dumped a couple
of really gooey pizzas in each dryer, put in the coins, and turned them on."
Try cleaning up that one!
Epilogue: The corporate landlord and his student tenants settled their
problems shortly after the party, totally to the satisfaction of the young
protestors.
Professor James Shannon claims that college students of the past had
heinous imaginations. Today, of course, many students are content merely to
move around enough to prevent roots from forming on their contact surfaces
with the ground. Professor Shannon suggests that if you have a teacher you
don't like, and he/she lectures from a desk or podium on a raised platform,
you move the stand so its legs are barely balanced on the front edge of the
platform. When the academic leans forward on the structure ever so slightly,
it will come crashing forward. With any luck the pedagogue will land on top
of it.
At an eastern university, two looser colleagues filled a humorless and
bookish faculty member's office closet with several large and irritable geese
one evening. The professor was in the habit of arriving quite early for 8:00
AM class, early enough so that the hasty-tempered birds would just be
awakening. When he opened the closet door they woke up and became badly
aggressive really fast. Eyewitness reports left no doubt whose feathers were
ruffled most.
This will be truly appreciated only by those privy to the pettiness of
academia: Other colleagues of this same professor sometimes send truly
pedantic, nasty, personal, and vindictive memoranda to various other faculty
members, deans, etc., in the name of their priggish colleagues.
On one occasion they sent really nasty letters to the parents of a few of
this faculty member's students, giving the poor folks hell for daring to
produce such genetic drift as their kids, much less turning them loose on a
college campus. The school's PR people had a terrible time getting out from
under that one. As for the mark, the dumb schmuck had no idea why so many
people disliked him. But please take his colleagues word for it--he deserves
every bit of it.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CARBIDE "Carbide"
Having been brought up around hunters and miners, I learned all about
carbide lamps and carbide fishing early. Working on my grandfather's farm, I
learned about carbide bombs. Let me explain some things you might find
useful.
When calcium carbide is exposed to air and water it produces a gas that
will kill small animals. Farmers often pour it down gopher, rat, or groundhog
holes, then dump in some water and put a rock over the hole. The animal is
gassed to death.
A lot of poor people used to fish with carbide with the same efficiency
with which legions of GIs fished with hand grenades. Simply toss a pound or
two of carbide into a can and seal it, but be sure to punch a few holes in the
lid. Toss it into a pond. The results can play havoc with your mark's fish
pond or fancy goldfish pool or an indoor aquarium. Water and carbide can
produce an explosion.
Some of the nastier kids used to place amounts of carbide into the
toilets at our school. The idea was to place the carbide bomb in the toilet,
leave a lighted cigarette on the seat, and run like hell. The carbide would
combine with the water to produce a huge cloud of noxious gas, which would
explode when it hit the lighted cigarette the perpetrators left behind. This
little homemade bomb did more damage than an M80.
Tim Bell, who later became a Special Forces NCO in Vietnam, explains, "We
had a kid bully whom no one liked--a real prick. He always went to the john
after fourth period to sneak a smoke. So two of us went in right after him
and laid a carbide bomb in the water in the next stall. We were about a
hundred feet down the hall when the damn thing went off."
At this point, Tim burst into a wild laughter. I was able to learn, though
, that the bully had his legs burned and cut by flying porcelain, bit
his tongue badly, was knocked violently off the throne, bruising his ribs
against the steel wall of the stall, and was deafened for nearly twenty-four
hours, all by the force of this carbide explosion. With that kind of
background as a high school kid, it's no wonder Tim Bell made a good Special
Forces trooper.
Are there more adult uses for carbide? Some sixties semi-terrorists used
to dump a pound or so into the toilets of corporate offices and government
buildings, flush the mess into the system, and walk away briskly. Enough of
the stuff could get very dangerous, considering the possible backup of gases.
A combination of water and carbide has been fed into the ventilating systems
of various corporate and government buildings, also by semi-terrorists who
wish to harass the resident bureaucrats.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CARS "Cars"
This one's really kiddie Halloween time, but it does work. A bunch of
old nuts and bolts placed into the wheel well behind the hubcap will make the
mark think his/her car is falling apart. It's worth some minor harassment, of
course, and works outstandingly well with high-strung nonmechanical typed who
absolutely panic at car noises.
You can get a little heavier than Halloween by removing a hubcap from
your mark's car wheel and loosening or removing the lug bolts. Sooner or not
much later, the wheel will simply roll off the car.
Moving up the escalator of nastiness, you could probably fill your mark's
whole body with adrenaline if you placed a split shot sinker, of the type used
by fishermen, on the accelerator cable of his/her vehicle. Willy Seamore, a
top mechanic, suggests you extend the cable, then place the lead weight on the
extended portion, which effectively blocks it from returning. This means the
vehicle's throttle will run wide open. It's a nasty version of the
jack-rabbit start.
From choking up to locking up is hardly a quantum experience. The new
miracle glues are impregnable when squirted into car door keyholes. Nothing
short of a locksmith can repair this low-risk attack. If you hit just before
the mark's family vacation, leave the car door locks alone and hit the trunk
lock. With any luck, they'll never notice until they're miles from home.
A refinement of simply putting a super glue or epoxy into the car's
various locks is to take any old key that will vaguely locks is to take any
old key that will vaguely fit into the lock cavity, insert it, then twist it
rapidly back and forth until the key breaks off, stuck in the lock. Now is
the time to squirt glue into the lock. The job is more permanent and more
costly to repair.
If you tire of fooling with the locks, you can look elsewhere. Marshall
Tanner, inventor of muffler bearings, says you can prop some large-headed
nails against the tires of your mark's car, especially if it's parked so it
will have to be backed up to get out of a parking stall in a lot. The car
moves back and the wheels roll over the nails, puncturing tires.
If your mark's married, you can have all sorts of sport with his ride. A
male mark deserves that you slip sexy undergarments usually worn by a sexy
lady under his car's front seat or wedge them carefully into the back seat.
You could tear them a bit. More than a hint of perfume or flavored douche
will always hype suspicion. You can escalate this stunt somewhat if you buy
male underwear--get the sexy style in white--and place some lipstick smears
around the fly area. You can help the campaign along by having a very trusted
lady friend call and ask nervously for the mark. The younger she sounds, the
better. Have her call several times. Use your and the mark's wife's
imagination.
If the mark is a woman, a pack of condoms carelessly hidden in the car is
always a sure-grow plant. Several daint handkerchiefs of the type favored by
milady and heavily impregnated with semen can also be stuffed in the car. As
with the male, a series of appropriately timed telephone calls from a nervous
male will add to the marital festivities between mark and spouse.
In less carnal surroundings, if you can get to the distributor cap,
remove it and use graphite from a pencil to contact the rotor brushes. The
charge will run along the graphite, causing the engine to misfire. This could
cause the mark to dash into his local car butcher and get charged an
outrageous price for an unnecessary tuneup.
A quick way to disable a car battery is to slip a couple of Alka-Seltzer
tablets or a teaspoonful of baking soda into each battery compartment. The
antacid will kill the battery's power before you can say "Plop, plop, fizz,
fizz."
Another camhead nasty is to take a pushpin and jab a few tiny holes
through spark-plug wires. According to Lee H. Santana, a real straight
shooter in the dirty-tricks department, the pin pricks cause a hellishly
rumpety noise when the car is driven.
Don't forget additives when working on a mark's car. The nice thing
about additives is that you don't have to be odd or even to use them. Many
experts, including some of Uncle Sam's khaki-clad nephews, suggest light
materials, such as crushed cork, as a great additive to the gasoline tanks of
vehicles belonging to people or institutions you don't like.
One former professional trickster said, "It isn't to exotic, but a
handful of old leaves in the gas tank will bind the damn engine up too."
Sand is not recommended because of its weight, especially when wet. It
would sink to the bottom of the tank and not much would be introduced into the
engine, he explained. The idea is to get the additive to the bearing
surfaces, where the coarse little buggers can kick and scratch up a mechanical
breakdown. Silicone carbide, emery powder, and fine metal filings will work.
During World War II, our OSS used a mixture of finely ground cork, resins,
carborundums, and metal alloys to muck up an engine.
Another method that could possibly send a driver off to a service station
would be to pour a gallon of shellac thinner into your targeted vehicle's
gasoline tank. The alcohol will gather up all the water in the fuel trap, and
when this mixture goes through the fuel line it will cause the vehicle to
snort, stammer, and act as if it has big carb troubles. By the time the
driver gets the vehicle to a mechanic, the problem has usually departed out
the exhaust pipe. Done enough times, this one can redline the frustration and
credibility levels of both the driver and the mechanic.
If you want to use additives in your mark's gasoline tank, yet are
concerned about arousing suspicion in daylight or in an otherwise
high-visibility area, simply adopt a cover prop.
"Put the harmful additive in a metal gasoline can like they sell in
stores," advises Joey MacJohns, a veteran trickster. "That way, any potential
witnesses will never really pay attention to what's happening; they'll simply
infer because you have a gas can that you're putting gas in the car."
And don't forget oil additives. Styrene, a colorless, oily liquid, is an
organic compound that is one of the two chemicals mixed together to make
hardened fiberglass. Boat-supply stores and marinas have styrene available
for patching fiberglass boats. It is also used in body shops and
upholstery-repair places.
There are substitutes compounds that will do the same job as styrene, so
read the label when purchasing the stuff to make sure you're actually getting
styrene. Styrene is the only sufficiently effective, commonly available
material that can be put into a car's crankcase to completely break down the
oil and ruin the engine.
Styrene in the crankcase is far better that sugar in the gas tank because
it can't be seen after being introduced and because only a little does a
thorough job. If it's used at the rate of one per four quarts of oil, the
treated vehicle will run about a hundred miles before the engine locks up
tight.
This is a fairly high-risk stunt, but it could be fun if you don't get
nailed doing it, according to Bill Rally. If you find that your mark is going
alone to a movie you have an hour or so to have some fun with his automobile.
If you're motivated enough to carry off this stunt, no one has to tell you how
to start the mark's car without a key. After you start it, drive to some very
nice homes with pretty lawns. But stay fairly near the theater, so you can
get back there in a hurry. Do donuts, dig out, and otherwise use the car to
make a shambles of lawns, shrubbery, flower beds, etc. Run over lawn
furniture, hit mailboxes, and try to frighten some old people by coming really
close to them with the car.
This is a real hit-and-run mission. Do your dirty driving fast and get
the car back to the theater parking area even faster. Park it and leave. If
you've done enough damage, all sorts of police reports will be out on the car.
The second or third question the police will ask the mark is whether he or she
has any witnesses for the movie alibi.
That can be a real blast. But if you want another sort of pop, dig
deeply into the potato bin for this one. My thanks here go to all those great
truck farmers who say a potato jammed into a vehicle's exhaust pipe is not
explosive, but it will cause all sorts of nasty problems. In one case, the
mark parked his car with the rear end towards his home. His tormentor jammed
a fresh, hard spud tightly inot the car's exhaust pipe. The mark started the
car on a cold evening and waited a few moments for the engine to warm.
Meanwhile, the hot gases, unable to escape, built up dangerously behind the
potato....Woom!...KABLOOM!... With an explosive roar, the gases fired that
big, hot, hard potato right into the metal siding of the mark's home, just
fifteen feet away from the exhaust pipe, which acted as a cannon barrel. The
holing and denting of the siding cost $150 and a day to repair.
There are all sorts of other devices that make good muffler bombs. A
firecracker may be shoved into the vehicle's exhaust pipe, pushing it along
with a stiff wire until the explosive device falls into the muffler. It takes
only a few moments of driving with today's hot exhaust gases to explode the
firecracker. Even a fairly small firecracker will cause panic, escpecially if
the driver is paranoid to start with. If you want to destroy the muffler and
drive the mark's panic into the fantasy of having his/her car really bombed,
substitute an M80 or a shotgun shell for the prankish finger-sized
firecracker.
If the violence and property destruction of this bothers you or causes
you to grimace, consider this next happy face. Most mail-order and novelty
stores sell very realistic rubber-faced masks, resembling everything from an
ape man, through a drooling idiot, on down to a Ronald Reagan mask. Select
one that looks especially gross--like an old man, or the idiot, or Richard
Nixon. Position is so it looks realistic on the back of your head. This
leaves your vision unobstructed. Head for the road in your car.
Just as another motorist overtakes your vehicle to pass you, lean out the
window. The effect on the approaching motorist would be interesting to
observe, as that other driver will see a drooling goon looking back, directly
at him, with no apparent concern for the road ahead. I bet very few cars
actually pass you with this stunt in operation.
Taking the license plate off a mark's car can be a good shot, even you
don't want to steal the thing for other nefarious purposes. How many times do
you look to see if the plate is on your car? A cop has only to look once. I
bet it would be fun to hear the mark's explanation of where his license plate
has gone.
Don't you get really happy when some defective excuse for a human
suddenly pulls his/her vehicle out directly in front of yours or cuts you off?
Marty Mullin has a solution in hand.
A delightful person, Mullin reveals, "I bought a top-quality pellet
pistol, one of those compressed-air guns, which I keep in my car. You can use
either the cartridge or the pump type--just to be sure you get one with enough
power to penetrate metal. Get a supply of the .177-caliber pellets, too.
Then, next time some dip pulls out in front of you, pull up behind the dip's
vehicle and get in his/her blind spot. With a truck or van that's easy
enough. Then you bring your pellet gun into action.
"Plunk a shot into the mark's vehicle, the trunk for a car, or the back
of a van or rig. If it's a big truck you can get in quite a few shots,
because the driver is not likely to hear them. A van or car will make a
helluva TWHUNK when that pellet hits, so be cautious.
"There's no discharge noise, because you're not using a firearm. After
your attack, back off and proceed your business as if nothing has happened.
You probably have not taught the mark a lesson, but you feel better for what
you just did--I guarantee that."
I asked Mullin about the posibility of hitting a passenger who is riding
in the back of the mark's vehicle. He replied, "Then, that passenger also has
every right to be furious with the dippy mark for pulling out in front of
you."
@ENDNODE
@NODE CB_RADIOS "CB Radios"
Want to send your neighborhood CB nut a message? This nut is the CB
addict who refuses to filter his/her equipment and thus disrupts TV, stereo,
AM/FM, and other normal communication for blocks. Usually, these idiots are
about as sensitive to other people's feelings as Idi Amin was to the plight of
the poor. In both cases a lesson is called for.
To do this effectively, heed the lesson of Sterling Orco, who says you
must personally interdict the mark's CB antenna. It would be well to do this
when the mark is away from the home area. Unfasten the CB coax line from the
mark's antenna. Then clip two leads of a regular 110-volt line to the CB
coax--one lead to the center conductor, the other lead to the shield. Small
alligator clips will do nicely. Then, hop down from your perch near the
antenna and plug the other end of the 110-volt wire into your mark's nearest
outdoor socket.
Next time he/she turns on the CB and hits the transmit button...well,
words fail to describe the results adequately. One comment--even the repair
people will shake their heads.
A bit less destructive, but no less nasty, is the old pin-in-the-coax
trick. You prick a tiny pin through the plastic outer cable and through the
shield. Be sure it touches the center conductor. Then cut the head off the
pin and push it in some more--out of sight. The plastic should close behind
the pin, making the wound invisible. Just make sure that the pin
short-circuits the center conductor to the metal outer shield. Do a couple of
these along the coax between the antenna and the CB set. It does stuttering
wonders for the transmission.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CHARITY "Charity"
Charity begins at the home of your mark. You simply volunteer his/her
services to the charity's recruiting chairperson, giving the name and address
of your mark. These charity drives are so happy to get volunteers these days
that they will rarely verify your call. That means the first contact the mark
has is when another volunteer shows up at the door with all sorts of campaign
and collection materials. In many cases, the mark is too embarrassed to
refuse, and you've added to his/her workload.
If you think that's a dirty trick to pull on a charity, ask them how many
cents out of each dollar go directly to the victims and other people who are
at the bottom of the line for help. Besides, your mark might turn out to be a
great charity worker.
You can call in generous pledges in your mark's name during telethons and
other charity drives.
You can also call in pledges to bothersome telethons, using
double-entendre names. For example, when one public-TV station held another
of its semiweekly fundraisers, several contributors announced over the air as
pledging financial support included Clint Toris, Seymour Kunt, Connie Lingus.
Margie Kowalski used to work for the Salvation Army. She suggests that
you call the local Salvation Army, Goodwill, or whatever charity and report
youp mark for stealing out of the organization's pickup boxes. Report the
mark by his auto license number. Say you work at one of the stores near the
collection box and you've seen the mark rob the box several times. You can
also report this "crime" to the police.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CHEESE "Cheese"
It's tried and true, but I bet you haven't heard of it since you were a
kid. This one came from Alabama, the old Limburger-cheese-on-the-muffler-of-a
-new-car trick. The exhaust manifold works well, too, as a surface for a
cheese spread. Or you can simply place som of the same substance behind a
radiator in a home or office. Once it's burned on, the smelly sour effect can
last for weeks, despite robust cleaning efforts.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CHILD_ABUSE "Child Abuse"
I heard a real horror story recently where a truly evilminded teenager
[Hmmm...] swore to child-abuse officers in her county that her parents beat
her. They hadn't and didn't. Never mind; the bureaucrats came bouncing out
of the woodwork, and the harried parents had to appear in court to defend
themselves against the lies of a teenager with mental problems [Hmmm II...].
The parents were looked upon as villians, even though the judge dismissed the
charges as unfounded. Their attorney (yes, they had to hire one to fight
government persecution) advised them against a jury trial because they'd lose
on the emotionalism of the issue, regardless of the facts. Nice.
All this leads up to the fact that you can report your mark as a
child-abuse offender. Acting as a "concerned neighbor," you can tell the
authorities. The hassle is unreal. After you've done this, a few anonymous
letters to the mark's employer about the "child-abuse thing" will help out.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CIA "CIA"
Your mark might have sneaky points you never thought about. For example,
maybe your mark would make a good CIA employee. You could easily find out.
Write a letter of application to the agency using your mark's name. The
agency get hundreds of letters from would-be action agents, such as unemployed
gangsters, karate freaks, ex-soldiers, Walter Mitty types, etc. I doubt that
they take many of these seriously, but they might be interested in talking
with a highly qualified technical person, such as an analyst, area expert,
journalist with oodles of foreign experience, language expert, or economist.
Advanced college degrees and military service abroad as an officer are fine
credentials for your mark. Make up a good solid background. It is probably
illegal for you to make a false application in your mark's name using phony
credentials.
Send resumes to: Personnel Representative
Central Intelligence Agency
Washington, D.C. 20505
You can also send in an application in your mark's name for a CIA job at
the field office in the nearest city. Yes, they are listed in the telephone
book.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CLASSIFIED_ADS "Classified Adverts"
Classified advertisements in your local newspaper are inexpensive little
bullets that can cause major wounds to the mark's psyche if properly aimed.
For instance, suppose you had a score to settle with some bitchy neighbors.
You could insert a classified ad to "sell" their automobile. Price it five
hundred dollars less than market value, instruct callers to call after midnight
(shift work is the explanation you can offer), and explain in the ad that quick
cash is needed for an emergency. That will bring in the phone calls.
You can also put your mark's house up for sale. Again, ask potential
customers to either call or visit at hours that will be very inconvenient to
the mark.
The "personals" in newspapers can provide even more fun. Maybe your mark
ought to advertise for "young boy and girl models to pose for 'art' pictures."
You should use his/her home or business telephone here for return calls,
whichever would cause more difficulty for the mark.
Placing ads is a snap. Most newspapers let you do it right over the
phone, and most of the ad people I've talked to say they rarely verify a
classified ad. Take a tip from that and don't make it outlandish. As with any
practical joke, there has to be a credible amount of reality to the premise for
the sting to work.
While you're thinking of newspapers, don't foget those sexy tabloids and
their really gross cousins that let readers advertise all sorts of weird sex
things. I don't know whether any of that is on the level, but it's worth
finding out--in your mark's name, of course. Maybe you'll be doing him/her a
favor. But somehow I doubt it--there's no such thing as a free lunch.
You might help the mark share his new friends' sexual talents. Place an
ad in one of the target audience magazines--the publication that runs very
explicit and very honest classifieds. If you're not sure, contact a local
sympathizer and ask him/her for help.
You might write you ad copy like this:
"Soft white male aged 35 wants to play with black lady with large
buttocks. Bi-couples welcomed for Greek and French culture."
You can really make bondage and S/M optional, depending upon reality, the
publication, its audience, and your mark. You really ought to study the target
publication before you word the ad. The kicker is that you will register the
mark as the sponsor of the classified ad. Read a section of this book that
tells you about using a neighbor's address and the mark's name before you get
started.
If you decide to run kinky classified ads for your mark in SCREW, BALL,
and whatever, be sure you get some copies of the issue in which the ad runs.
That way you can send originals or Xerox copies to the mark's neighbors,
relatives, business associates, and friends. Enclose a brief note asking how
they can even admit knowing such a perverted person. Offer to pray for them.
You could use the name and address of another friend, neighbor, or business
associate as the return address for this note.
Help your mark out of the closet by running a classified announcement ad
in homosexual publications. Have her/him grandly and proudly announce that he
or she is gay and has dated and/or married only for cover. Now, he/she is
coming out and telling the world she/he has taken a lover--and name a friend,
neighbor, or business associate as that lover. Libelous? Yes, it is. Don't
get caught.
Using classified advertising, Bill Colbeley had an auction for one of his
many marks. He followed the usual auction format to prepare the newspaper ad,
then ran it when the mark and his family were away for a weekend. The ad was
one of those "Job transfer--everything must go--fanstastic bargains" types so
normal to an industrial community. But let Sweet Old Bill tell the rest of his
story:
"I set the time of the auction for 7:00 A.M., so that just as the sleepy
mark was rol
Harmful additives are a formidable weapon against machinery, people, and
processes. Additives perform one or more of the following:
1) Corrosion...sulfuric acid, for example, will corrode the gutter, eaves, and
downspout of a home; dumped salt will mar a building surface or floor and
kill a lawn.
2) Contamination...copper salts will rot rubber products; soap in a public or
corporate fountain will create giant foam. Or put it in a steam boiler if
you're more serious about the matter.
3) Abrasion...introduction of light, coarse materials, such as resins, to
automotive fuel, or metal filings placed in the gears of industrial
machinery, will create frictional havoc.
4) Impurities...adding sugar to gasoline greates harmful carbon from the
burning sugar, stopping the engine.
Soaps and detergents make wonderful additions to food and could even be
beneficial if the target happens to be constipated. If not, then soap-laden
munchies or drinks will really keep him moving.
During my stay as an invited guest of Uncle Sam I recall some dirty
tricksters' making an action statement against being in KP. They liberally
coated various pans and cooking vessels with GI soap. They washed mugs with a
lot of soap, then neglected to rinse them before letting the utensils dry.
Later, when some drinkable potion like milk or coffee was poured into the mug
by some unsuspecting mark, the soap was activated. Whoosh!
Soap is also a very effective additive to containers in which food is
prepared. The secret is to disguise the taste. Various other additives will
do that and other tricks.
A horny old pharmacist, Doctor Frank Pittlover, claims there really is a
working aphrodisiac. His is almost as esoteric as the fake stuff you read
about in men's magazines. Here's what Doctor Pittlover says: "It's known as
yohimmbine hydrochloride (C21, H23, O3N2), an obscure sex stimulant that
operates on the central nervous system. It was the aphrodisiac used by the
CIA in their MK/ULTRA scam." It is not on the Central Substances Act list
--yet--and it is classed as a "veterinary aphrodisiac." That means you can
get it openly from a pharmaceutical supply source. What you do with it after
you get it is probably your own business.
There are other references to and uses of additives in many other topical
areas of your revenge...many more than could be indexed here.
"Take tea and see" is a good advertising slogan that should also alert
the dirty trickster to some additives brought to our attention by herbal-tea
producers. Two common products of many herbal teas have side effects that the
trickster could define only as delightful. First, some teas contain the
leaves, flowers, and the bark of senna plant, a tropical shrub related to our
bean plant. The dried leaves, bark, and flowers of this plant are a mighty
powerful laxative. Chamomile flowers are also popular in herbal teas.
Related to ragweed and goldenrod, chamomile can produce severe reactions in
people sensitive to plants of that family.
The trick in both cases is to obtain extracts of both products and use
them in concentrated enough additive form to create the desired effect.
Meanwhile, from the other end, Doctor Christopher Garwood Doyle has a
prescription that could really get amark moving. Syrup of ipecac is a common
purgative, easily available. Here's how Doctor Goyle uses it.
"Your mark is with you or your agent somewhere having a few drinks," the
doctor outlines. "Presumably, the mark is drinking something sweet and heavy,
like rum and Coke. When the mark goes to the bathroom or is otherwise out of
the area, mix one tablespoon of syrup in ipecac in with the drink.
"You now have a fifteen-minute waiting--or escaping, if you prefer--
period for the mixture to get active. After that, bombs away! The mark will
begin violent projectile vomiting, which really messes up the nearby
environment and anyone else who happens to be the way.
"We first did this in medical school, using to get back at a classmate
who'd turned us in to officials for having an after-hours party in our dorm
with women and booze. They threw the book at us because we were supposed to
be mature medical students.
"The student who did this fancied himself as a real boozer," Doctor Doyle
explained, "but he really was a hell of a hypocrite about it and really played
pious when he turned us in. So we figured he who tattles about booze shall
also toss his booze."
Doctor Doyle reports that this additive will work easily with
non-alcoholic drinks, too. He says the secret is to select a carrier drink
that will hide the taste and consistency of the syrup.
Another good remedy for a hotshot is cascara sagrada, made from the dried
root of a thorny shrub found on the American West Coast. It produces violent
diarrhea. Once, Joe Kascaba introduced some cascara sagranda into a mark's
orange juice. The mark was with his girlfriend and her parents in their
family car. He had the "juiced" orange juice about ten minutes before getting
into the car.
Kascaba reminisced, "The stuff's fast acting, and we were lucky to have
the girlfriend's brother as our ally, to report the action. It hit the mark
about six minutes into the trip, and in another minute he didn't even have
time to yell for them to pull over. He just started letting go with loud,
wet, explosive bursts.
"This is all in full witness of his girlfriend and her family in a
tightly packed auto. He couldn't get stopped, either. They took him to a
hospital, but by then the additive was through his system and the storm had
subsided. That surely is super powerful stuff."
Kascaba explained why he had taken action this explosive action, saying,
"The guy was a real creep. He was always trying to make out with other girls,
and since he wasn't very smooth, he used to get them drunk. This was always
with other girls, of course--his regular girlfriend knew nothing about all of
this.
"Well, one night he pulled this crap on a friend of mine, got her drunk,
messed around...she got this feeling all guilty and emotional, then got sick
--puked, in fact. He thought he was macho stuff and gave her hell for it.
"We figured if he was going to act like such a shit...well, I'm sure you
understand...."
The above trick is suggested to be used in such a place so that your mark
can not easily reach a bathroom within a few minutes after the attack hits.
This will cause him to literally shit his pants and drip at the heels.
As a final note, Kascaba says not to use this powerful additive with
older folks, because it weaken them to the point of very seroius medical
complications such as dehyrdration which may kill them. Have some respect for
the elderly, think of your grandmother!
The following trick is technically a substitution and not an additive: I
know of one person who visited her mark's home and emptied the hair
conditioner out of his bottle, then poured Neet hair remover into the
conditioner bottle. She knew that Operation Substitute was a bald success
when she saw her mark in a local store several weeks later, wearing a large
scarf on his head.
Vinegar makes a great substitute for nose drops or in nasal-spray
devices. One especially nasty person also suggested it for use in eye drops.
I'm not sure about that one though, sight's a precious thing. You'd better
reserve that one for a very deserving person that shot your dog, wrecked your
computer, busted you for phreaking, etc.
@ENDNODE
@NODE AIRLINES "Airlines"
Arrange to have a friend meet you at the terminal gate when you deplane.
Give your friend your baggage claim checks and have him/her retrieve your bags
from the carousel, then leave the baggage area with your bags. Before your
friend leaves the airport with your luggage, be sure to get your claim checks
back. Then, you saunter over to the baggage area, spend half an hour waiting
for your bags. Ask some clerks for help, then report your "missing" luggage,
showing your claim checks as proof. Very few flights ever have a clerk
actually check the baggage and collect claim checks. It's foolish, but they
don't. Make a polite, but firm scene and demand satisfaction. Normally, the
airline people will have you fill out a form and they will attempt to find
your luggage. Obviously, they won't find it. Bug them some...write them
letters. Soon, you should get a good settlement from the airline. Don't try
to pull this one on the same airline more than once!
Leaving the airlines and aiming for the individual mark, you can do a lot of
personal damage. For instance, if you find your mark is going to use airline
travel, you could call and cancel the reservations.
You might try to slip a couple rounds of pistol ammunition or a switchblade
in to your mark's pocket just before he goes through the metal detector at the
airport terminal. You could also slip some drugs into his pocket at the same
time. Read a book on pick pocketing to note the technique for doing this.
It's quite easy. Leave accurate-looking, but totally bogus hijack scenario
plans, bomb diagrams, or orders of battle for terrorist attacks in airport
bars and restrooms. This fires up both the rent-a-cops and the real security
people. The security delays and resultant hassles with passengers create
unhappy people who are angry at airports and airlines. Naturally, the blame
for these plans must focus on your mark. If he has really been bugging you
it's about time to get even!
Leaving the airlines and aiming for individual mark, you can do a lot of
personal damage. For instance, if you find that your mark is going to use
airline travel and there are only a few travel agents in town, you could call
until you find the correct one and cancel the reservations. Or if you know
the name of the airline, call their office and cancel the mark's reservations.
You might try to slip a couple of rounds of pistol ammunition or a
switchblade knife into your mark's pocket just before he goes through the
metal detector at the airport terminal. You could also slip some drugs into
his pocket at the same time. Read a book on pickpocketing to note the
technique for doing this. It's quite easy since you are placing stuff back.
Bill Cutcheon sometimes poses as a Moonie, Hare Krishna devotee, or other
cultist and goes to airports. His goal is to act like a completely obnoxious
fool. He really hams it up, usually getting tossed out after totally grossing
out the passengers. The heat, of course, falls equally on the cults and on
the airport for letting "them" behave like that.
Another Cutcheon stunt is to leave accurate-looking but totally bogus
hijack scenario plans, bomb diagrams, or orders for terrorists attacks in
airport bars and restrooms. This fires up both the rent-a-cops and the real
security people. The security delays and resultant hassles with passengers
create unhappy people who are angry at airports and airlines.
Naturally, thew blame for these plans must focus on the original
perpetrator of Cutcheon's problems. He says, "If some nut group's been
hassling me for money, messing in my neighborhood, or otherwise being
obnoxious, I'll leave evidence to pin the hijack or bomb rap on them. I got
back at a motorcycle gang by doing this once, after they had sideswiped
my truck and refused to pay damages."
He also explains that this is a good vengeance grabber against an airport
facility that has offended you.
Mitch Egan of San Francisco doesn't like cultist panhandlers harassing
people at airports, so he founded the Fellowship to Resist Organized Groups
Involved in Exploitation, or FROGIE. Egan and his friends use those little
metal clickers shaped like frogs to ward of religious solicitors.
According to Egan, thousands of people across the country are now armed
with the little metal frogs, and when a religious panhandler approaches, they
whip out the clicker and "Click, click, click!" the pest away.
"In San Francisco, I saw two hundred people clicking away at a Krishna,"
Egan remarked. "They blew her right out of her socks."
He adds, "If God wants a dollar from me, he can ask for it. I'm not
against religion, but I'm fed up with organized beggars."
Relief is just a click away.
I knew a chap who became annoyed at a Krishna who followed him out of the
Indianapolis airport, verbally abusing him for not making a contribution.
Having surreptitiously "armed and primed" himself, our hero suddenly stopped,
whipped around, and pissed all over the startled harridan. After the few
necessary seconds of attack, he calmly replaced himself, zipped up, and walked
away. A bemused security cop nearby tried to hide his laughter.
@ENDNODE
@NODE ANIMALS "Animals"
If your mark is an oily cuss with a credibility problem you should easily
pull off this stunt. It involves a cop, reporters, SPCA folks and some farm
animals. Call the police and tell them you know about a cock or dog fight
that's being held at your mark's home. Explain that you have no morals
against animal fighting but you lost big money there last time and think the
fights are fixed. Next call your mark and report to him that some people
are holding dog or cock fights on his property. Call the reporters and SPCA
and tell them all about the fight. Mention that your mark and the cops have
a payoff relationship. Give everyone the same general arrival time, never be
too specific. Hopefully, all will sort of show up at the same time. You might
manipulate things so the press and animal lovers show up first. Even if a
real story doesn't develop, you have scattered some strong seeds of distrust.
If you want a stronger story, find a dead dog on the road or something and
plant it near by and tell the reporters and SPCA where to find the evidence.
It will be fun to hear your mark and the cops talk about everything to the
reporters.
Dead animals are very useful. Wait until your mark goes on a trip and will
be leaving his car or house empty for several days. Get into the car
or house and stuff very large and very dead animals everywhere. Your mark will
probably have to sell his car and fumigate his house when he returns.
If you are bothered by big dogs chasing you just take a good quality
plastic water pistol and fill it with freshly squeezed lemon juice. Shoot
the furball right in the eyes and it'll soon stop the canine harassment.
@ENDNODE
@NODE APARTMENTS "Apartments"
Your mark lives in an apartment? A squirt or so of Eastman 910 or a
similar type glue into the lock can screw up the mark's trying to get back
into the apartment after an evening on the town. It's best to save this one
until late evening or on a weekend. Of course, this same stunt would work on
a house, but an apartment lockout disturbance causes more of a public scene.
If the mark's apartment is an older building with wooden door frames and
you can work quitly and quickly at night, you can lock him/her in the
apartment from the outside. Quietly fix a hasp and keeper on the door and
frame using wooden screws. Then slap a padlock on the new fixture. It
creates a great deal of frustration if that door is the only way out of the
apartment. Do it late Saturday night so the discovery is made on Sunday
morning when it's impossible to get help.
Run a classified ad offering to sublet the mark's apartment. You can
list either the mark's telephone number or that of his/her landlord. As
usual, make the contact hour for very early in the morning "because of
shift-work schedule."
You might want to make a "milk run" to the mark's apartment very early on
several mornings and place a whole bunch of empty booze bottles outside his or
her door. This works well in ritzy apartments where the neighbors are snobs.
How do you get by the security people? One way is to pose as a delivery
person, a service person, a building inspector, or someone on a work crew.
You can also hire an accomplice in the building, or you can bribe the door
guard.
Suppose you are the victim of a nasty landlord who evicts you for no good
reason. There are lots of legal ways to get your tenant's rights, but there
are also many quasi-legal and illegal ways that are much more fun. For
example, you could simply "sublet" the place, on your own, to a bunch of
dopers, bikers, drunks, hookers, runaways, or twenty-four-hour party throwers.
Make this extracuricular subletting your going-away surprise.
Another person I know went to the local animal shelter on several
different days and got a total of fifteen cats for twenty-five dollars. He
bought a bunch of cat food and a bushel basket of fish, and filled his bathtub
with water for them. He then nailed every window and door shut from the
inside before crawling out the tiny casement window in the basement. He had
previously nailed the basement door shut behind him. Obviously, he had moved
his things out several days previously. His eviction notice was effective the
next day, but the landlord didn't check on the house for five days. My God,
what a mistake that man made. To say that that cat house was an uninhabitable
mess is an understatement.
Tim Carroll was tossed out of his apartment by the landlady because one
of Tim's many lady friends stayed over for the whole entire evening. This
upset the old biddy who owened the building, and being a staunch, God-fearing
charter member of the DAR, she canceled his lease and ordered him to leave the
building.
Displeased with the abitrary and unilateral treatment and the upheaveal
caused by her dubious moral judgement, Tim didn't get angry; he got even. He
had a trusted friend place a large sign in a hallway window of the landlady's
apartment building. The seventh-floor window faced a busy business street,
and the sign was quite visible to many hundreds of people.
The sign read: TIM CARROLL SUCKS.
The landlady didn't see the sign, so two days later, Tim's friend
positioned another sign, this time in a sixth-floor-hall window.
The second sign read: TIM CARROLL IS A FAG.
The landlady saw both signs and removed them. Two days later, she got a
letter from Tim, with a picture enclosed showing her building with the signs
easily visible. The letter was Tim's complaint about personal slander and
harassment. He asked her please to desist.
Sometime early the next morning, in time for rush-hour morning traffic, a
new sign went up in the window: TIM CARROLL BLOWS DEAD BEARS.
At 8:30 A.M., the unsuspecting landlady recieved a call from an attorney
friend of Tim's, citing the original slander and warning the woman against
further incidents. Shaken, she swore her innocence. Ten minutes after
hanging up, he called back, sounding furious because Tim had just called him
about the latest sign. Flabbergasted, the old lady swore she would remove it
and loudly proclaim her innocence.
Another sign went up that afternoon in time for rush-hour the other way:
TIM CARROLL IS A FLAMING HETEROSEXUAL.
The landlady got the lawyer's call just after dark, when the sign was no
longer visible. She was almost in tears because of his threats to sue. She
begged to just talk to Tim, to tell him none of this was her doing. The
attorney told her that he had advised his client to have no further
discussions with her.
The next day's sign read: FOR A GOOD LAY, CALL TIM CARROLL.
That evening, a new sign went up. The landlady, frantic, according to
Tim's friend who was putting up the signs, got to it fifteen minutes after it
went up. The attorney called her five minutes after she go back to her own
apartment.
Tim related, "You might feel almost sorry for the old lady, except that
she had told me earlier that she was going to keep my security deposit and
that I would have to forfeit the month's rent I had paid in advance because I
had violated the morality clause in my lease. The was no such clause. I
found out she had done this same thing to two other guys a year before and
some guys before that. She also tossed out a couple because they weren't
married. She'd come into your room when you were gone and snoop, too. That
bugged me."
No signs went up for the next three days, although the woman checked the
windows every twenty minutes or so. On the fourth day, hundreds of passersby,
accustomed to the signs weren't disappointed.
The new sign read: TIM CARROLL'S WHOREHOUSE.
Although it took her an hour to discover and remove it, the lawyer friend
of Tim's didn't call until the next morning, when a new sign was in the
window: WHOREHOUSE UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. The landlady's telephone number was
listed.
A second sign was placed on the sixth-floor window underneath: TIM
CARROLL COULDN'T BEAT THE COMPETITION.
In his best tones, the attorney explained that enough was enough and that
on behalf of his client, Mr. Carroll, he would be filing an action. The woman
was distraught. He told her to have her attorney present for a meeting at
three the following afternoon. He asked her who attorney was and said the
meeting should be in his office. Tim and his attorney postponed this meeting
several times, then told the woman that since she had stopped putting up the
signs, they would hold the suit in limbo for the time.
Reportedly, she monitored the halls and windows of that building
regularly for five months. But more importantly, she also left her tenants to
their own moral lives.
@ENDNODE
@NODE ASSASSINATION "Assassination"
Suppose you have a mark whose ill temper has created problems for you.
Or perhaps this mark is simply an obnoxious nut whose obsessions have cost you
personally. A dentist I know spent many unselfish hours working to get
flouride into his community's drinking water as a means of fighting tooth
decay in children. An apolitical and highly dedicated professional, he was
concerned only with healthcare for the kids in the community. A hyper,
rightwing zealot jumped on the issue and scared the town council with his
insane babble. He claimed that flouride was a Communist plot to poison
America's drinking water and minds and that using flouride would lead to LSD
as part of the International Communist Conspiracy. The timid council voted
"no" on flouride.
Beside himself, the young dentist said he surely would like to get back
at the rightwing firebrand but just didn't know what to do. Sighing, he gave
up his fight and put his time back into his practice. The kids never got
their flouride treatment, and as a result he had a lot of business. It's too
bad that young dentist never met Maurice Bishop.
In the hypocritical piety following the assassinations of the sixties,
physical security was supposedly tightened to protect the chief executive
chosen by the power brokers who now control the United States. A former
law-enforcement official with a probable intelligence background offered an
astounding dirty trick related to this topic. To protect this source's
identity we'll use the cover name of Maurice Bishop.
Bishop says that the CIA, FBI and Secret Service all keep a list of nut
cases, radicals, and others who threaten political figures. Often, these
people are jailed, kept under protective custody, or placed under
twenty-four-hour surveillance by autorities when poltical targets are in the
area. Bishop's idea calls for theatening telegrams to be sent to the
politician in the mark's name. At the very least this telegram will bring a
visit by one of the government agencies, and perhaps it will result in a bit
of jail time if the mark loses his/her cool as a result of this dirty trick.
Bishop says this will also work with state officials, bringing a visit
from state police or some other law enforcement official.
@ENDNODE
@NODE AUTO_DEALERS "Auto Dealers"
If an automobile dealership screws you, on either the car, the deal, or
the service, don't get angry--get even. Wait outside the showroom until a
prospective customer starts talking to a salesperson about the same type of
car you got. Walk right up to the customer and tell him you woeful story.
The idea is to screw up as many sales as you can (it will cost the dealer at
least $5000 for each screw-up). Be factual, be cool, and act as if you're an
honest citizen trying to save another honest citizen some money and heartache
--as you wish someone had done for you. Sincere good faith is the thing here,
because the salesman is going to blow his about the second time you pull your
act.
When the manager asks you to leave and you don't, he will probably call
the police. You had anticipated this earlier and alerted someone at the local
newspaper or television station--probably the action-line reporters.
Smalltown media usually won't allow reporters to come--car dealers buy lots of
ads, and you don't. A regional TV station may show up--if you promise a
confrontation with the law. So when the manager calls the police, you call
your TV reporter--fun and games for the 6:00 P.M. news.
If all this doesn't work, wait off the dealer's premises and approach
customers as they leave the showroom. Tell your story there and then. Offer
to help them avoid your mistake. But stay on public property. And keep after
the action-line reporters.
If you esculate the attack a bit, show up when the night salespeople are
on duty--they won't recognize you. Look at new cars; wander around. Few
salespeople pay much attention to an obvious gawker. As soon as someone else
or a telephone distracts the salesperson, you can do things to the automobile
right there in the showroom. A bottle opener is hard on the finish. See the
file on additives for things you could quickly put into the fuel tank. If you
could smuggle some in with you, stuff roadkill under a car seat or in the
glove compartment. Or toss a condom (preferably used) on the front seat. By
the way, used condoms make wonderful plants in other locations as well, like
the boss's desk, or in a customer's car back in the service shop.
If you can manage to slip undetected into the service area along with
your bag of sabotage goodies, such as glue, wire cutters, paint, potatoes,
M80s, etc., you can run amok. Work quietly and quickly. This sort of
guerrilla warfare can literally wreck a dealer's service reputation.
@ENDNODE
@NODE BANKS "Banks"
It could be time to make your bankroll. According to Townsend Alexander,
our financial intelligence agent, you can make good money buying some very
cheap foreign coins that are the same size as a quarters. Get a paper coin
wrapper. Wrap a few real quarters on the ends but fill the rest of the roll
with the cheapie import coins. Wrap the roll and with felt-tip pen write some
phony account number on it to add to authenticity.
Take the roll of coins into the targeted bank. If you dress like a
business person and go at a busy time, especially with the account number
written on each roll, and the rolls in a bank sack or your briefcase, the
teller will probably give you ten dollars per roll without checking.
If you could get a banker to tell the truth, he'd admit that they hate
college-student checking accounts. There's probably a lot of justification,
since most services like this for college students cost far more than they're
worth in return. However, that's not our problem.
Suppose you have a gripe with the bank. Acting as the bank's ad manager,
get in touch with the student newspaper at the school and arrange to run some
ads with banner headlines reading, STUDENTS WELCOME, plus such services as NO
SERVICE CHARGE, FREE CUSTOM-PRINTED CHECKS, INTREST ON THE BALANCE, NO MINIMUM
BALANCE, and so on. Offer to give away free albums or Walkman radios. The
day after the "bank's" ad runs they will be swamped with unwanted students,
who are going to be very angry at the bank (and probably at the student
newspaper).
Modern banks now have cash machines where you insert your plastic money
card and the machine gives you the money. If that institution or its machine
has become your target, here's a dairyland delight you could easily employ.
Take some tough, hard cheese and cut it the same size and shape as your
plastic card. Insert the cheese "card" into the slot of the machine and leave
the area. One banker told me it took a service person nine hours to clean the
machine and get it operating again when someone pulled this stunt in
Baltimore.
The bank still giving you trouble, or you didn't give them enough? It's
time to move things up the scale a notch. Rent a safe-deposit box under
another name. Pay cash for a three-month rental. That's all the time you'll
need to collect on this one. Go to the market and buy a couple of overripe
fish--I'm sure you'll get a bargain price. Carry them wrapped in plastic in
your briefcase. Go directly to your safe deposit box. In the privacy of the
bank's little cubicle, unwrap the fish and lay the big, stinky suckers right
in the safety deposit box. Close it, lock it, and store it. Then carry the
fish wrappers, briefcase, and yourself out of the bank. In a few days your
deposit will gain their intrest. You'd better do your real banking at another
institution for a while. It's quite possible bank officials will have to hire
someone to drill the lock on the targeted safe-deposit box to remove the
contents.
@ENDNODE
@NODE BIKERS "Bikers"
You're walking along a pedestrian sidewalk, and along come a bicyclist,
churning away his/her spare calories on that nonpolluting transportaion
device. Within moments you're an involuntary participant in a game of chicken
with that cyclist, who swerves while you weave. You finally pass each other
in good dodgeum-car fashion. Maybe. Wonderful stuff, adrenaline.
On the other cheek, maybe you've been blindsided by an irresponsible
cyclist trespassing on your pedestrian walk right of way.
"No more turning the other cheek," is the war cry of Mel Scafe, an
anticyclist who is fighting back.
"I've declared war on all two wheelers who trespass into my life," Mel
says. "I'll get the senior citizen bicyclist who forces me off my sidewalk on
the same day I get even with the teenage dirt biker who tears up the hill
behind my home."
One of Mel's tatics is to toss a length of chain into the spokes of the
dirt bike when it's roaring by. Instantly, the bike stops going forward while
the rider continues onward until gravity takes over.
"I've also used a wire cutter to snip the spokes on a bicycle whose owner
has done me a disfavor," Mel relates. "That'll cause a real collapse in his
biking game."
Another time he spread a large patch of grease on the path used by dirt
bikers.
He can't even estimate the pounds of air he's released from captivity in
bike tires. He's used all the nasty engine additives mentioned in another
file for these machines that disturb his world.
"I liked that Burt Reynolds movie where the truck driver drove his rig
over all those goddamn motorcycles," Mel grinned. Turning seriously, he
added, "I've thought about the old World War II trick of stretching piano or
barbed wire across a trail or bikeway, but I think that could be fatal, so I
don't really do it."
"If there were some way I could totally kill the damn machines and only
embarrass the people a bit I'd surely like to hear about it. Until then I
will stick to the old standards that have worked for me so far."
He adds, "I know people may sneer at me for being mean to kiddies on
their bicycles, and I know bicycles are an in thing today. But maybe if those
young riders learn some manners early and stay the hell off pesestrian
walkways, they might grow up to be decent people."
@ENDNODE
@NODE BOOKS "Books"
Did anyone ever borrow a book from you and not return it? Our private
library consultant, Roberta Russell, has a suggestion with an air of financial
finality behind it. For the first step, a printer should make you about three
or four dozen bookplates, all featuring your mark's name and address, plus the
legend, "If this book is lost and you find it and return it, I will pay you
$10 cash." Your next step is the local Goodwill Industries, a local thrift or
second-hand shop, or a garage sale for books. Buy two or three dozen used
hardcover books. You buy them as cheaply as you can, but they'll cost your
mark plenty. Your next step is to paste on the bookplates and distribute
these books--at the beach, on park benches, in a bus or subway, or in a bar or
restaurant. The final step is for you to enjoy a good chuckle at your mark's
expense, as people find the "lost" books.
If your mark has a fine library, you might consider introducing it to
silverfish. They love good books; in fact they will devour them. If you feel
this nasty, you probably already know where to get silverfish and their eggs.
This one bothers me, though, since I love good books. Maybe there's a better
way. Perhaps you could put an earwig in you mark's bed pillow.
Why not give your mark the image of a philathropic person? Donate books
in his/her name to the local library, but without either party's knowledge.
Buy a bunch of really scuzzy porno paperbacks, especially the colorfully
illustrated ones from Denmark--the more grossly hardcore, the better. Your
printer will produce some paste-in bookplates that say something like this,
"This book donated to the [Name] library by [Mark's name] in loving memory of
all the sweet children of [Town name]." Paste in the bookplates and sprinkle
the donated books around the local library. Put some in the children section,
and others in the religion books.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CAMPUSES "Campuses"
Not everyone is hibernating on college campuses. Although it's true that
many students have become docile zombies, lobotimized by lethal doses of
television and the bureaucracy of the educational system, there are a few live
ones. At an eastern university, a number of students got upset with the rent
gouging of a massive corporation acting as an absentee landlord for private
off-campus dormitories. After getting nowhere appealing to an untesticled
school administration, and after being ignored by a housing inspector and a
city council belonging to the same social class and clubs as the corporate
landlords, the students held a pizza party.
The unusual part was the the pizza party was held in the clothes dryers
of the dormitory laundry rooms. One particpant reported, "We dumped a couple
of really gooey pizzas in each dryer, put in the coins, and turned them on."
Try cleaning up that one!
Epilogue: The corporate landlord and his student tenants settled their
problems shortly after the party, totally to the satisfaction of the young
protestors.
Professor James Shannon claims that college students of the past had
heinous imaginations. Today, of course, many students are content merely to
move around enough to prevent roots from forming on their contact surfaces
with the ground. Professor Shannon suggests that if you have a teacher you
don't like, and he/she lectures from a desk or podium on a raised platform,
you move the stand so its legs are barely balanced on the front edge of the
platform. When the academic leans forward on the structure ever so slightly,
it will come crashing forward. With any luck the pedagogue will land on top
of it.
At an eastern university, two looser colleagues filled a humorless and
bookish faculty member's office closet with several large and irritable geese
one evening. The professor was in the habit of arriving quite early for 8:00
AM class, early enough so that the hasty-tempered birds would just be
awakening. When he opened the closet door they woke up and became badly
aggressive really fast. Eyewitness reports left no doubt whose feathers were
ruffled most.
This will be truly appreciated only by those privy to the pettiness of
academia: Other colleagues of this same professor sometimes send truly
pedantic, nasty, personal, and vindictive memoranda to various other faculty
members, deans, etc., in the name of their priggish colleagues.
On one occasion they sent really nasty letters to the parents of a few of
this faculty member's students, giving the poor folks hell for daring to
produce such genetic drift as their kids, much less turning them loose on a
college campus. The school's PR people had a terrible time getting out from
under that one. As for the mark, the dumb schmuck had no idea why so many
people disliked him. But please take his colleagues word for it--he deserves
every bit of it.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CARBIDE "Carbide"
Having been brought up around hunters and miners, I learned all about
carbide lamps and carbide fishing early. Working on my grandfather's farm, I
learned about carbide bombs. Let me explain some things you might find
useful.
When calcium carbide is exposed to air and water it produces a gas that
will kill small animals. Farmers often pour it down gopher, rat, or groundhog
holes, then dump in some water and put a rock over the hole. The animal is
gassed to death.
A lot of poor people used to fish with carbide with the same efficiency
with which legions of GIs fished with hand grenades. Simply toss a pound or
two of carbide into a can and seal it, but be sure to punch a few holes in the
lid. Toss it into a pond. The results can play havoc with your mark's fish
pond or fancy goldfish pool or an indoor aquarium. Water and carbide can
produce an explosion.
Some of the nastier kids used to place amounts of carbide into the
toilets at our school. The idea was to place the carbide bomb in the toilet,
leave a lighted cigarette on the seat, and run like hell. The carbide would
combine with the water to produce a huge cloud of noxious gas, which would
explode when it hit the lighted cigarette the perpetrators left behind. This
little homemade bomb did more damage than an M80.
Tim Bell, who later became a Special Forces NCO in Vietnam, explains, "We
had a kid bully whom no one liked--a real prick. He always went to the john
after fourth period to sneak a smoke. So two of us went in right after him
and laid a carbide bomb in the water in the next stall. We were about a
hundred feet down the hall when the damn thing went off."
At this point, Tim burst into a wild laughter. I was able to learn, though
, that the bully had his legs burned and cut by flying porcelain, bit
his tongue badly, was knocked violently off the throne, bruising his ribs
against the steel wall of the stall, and was deafened for nearly twenty-four
hours, all by the force of this carbide explosion. With that kind of
background as a high school kid, it's no wonder Tim Bell made a good Special
Forces trooper.
Are there more adult uses for carbide? Some sixties semi-terrorists used
to dump a pound or so into the toilets of corporate offices and government
buildings, flush the mess into the system, and walk away briskly. Enough of
the stuff could get very dangerous, considering the possible backup of gases.
A combination of water and carbide has been fed into the ventilating systems
of various corporate and government buildings, also by semi-terrorists who
wish to harass the resident bureaucrats.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CARS "Cars"
This one's really kiddie Halloween time, but it does work. A bunch of
old nuts and bolts placed into the wheel well behind the hubcap will make the
mark think his/her car is falling apart. It's worth some minor harassment, of
course, and works outstandingly well with high-strung nonmechanical typed who
absolutely panic at car noises.
You can get a little heavier than Halloween by removing a hubcap from
your mark's car wheel and loosening or removing the lug bolts. Sooner or not
much later, the wheel will simply roll off the car.
Moving up the escalator of nastiness, you could probably fill your mark's
whole body with adrenaline if you placed a split shot sinker, of the type used
by fishermen, on the accelerator cable of his/her vehicle. Willy Seamore, a
top mechanic, suggests you extend the cable, then place the lead weight on the
extended portion, which effectively blocks it from returning. This means the
vehicle's throttle will run wide open. It's a nasty version of the
jack-rabbit start.
From choking up to locking up is hardly a quantum experience. The new
miracle glues are impregnable when squirted into car door keyholes. Nothing
short of a locksmith can repair this low-risk attack. If you hit just before
the mark's family vacation, leave the car door locks alone and hit the trunk
lock. With any luck, they'll never notice until they're miles from home.
A refinement of simply putting a super glue or epoxy into the car's
various locks is to take any old key that will vaguely locks is to take any
old key that will vaguely fit into the lock cavity, insert it, then twist it
rapidly back and forth until the key breaks off, stuck in the lock. Now is
the time to squirt glue into the lock. The job is more permanent and more
costly to repair.
If you tire of fooling with the locks, you can look elsewhere. Marshall
Tanner, inventor of muffler bearings, says you can prop some large-headed
nails against the tires of your mark's car, especially if it's parked so it
will have to be backed up to get out of a parking stall in a lot. The car
moves back and the wheels roll over the nails, puncturing tires.
If your mark's married, you can have all sorts of sport with his ride. A
male mark deserves that you slip sexy undergarments usually worn by a sexy
lady under his car's front seat or wedge them carefully into the back seat.
You could tear them a bit. More than a hint of perfume or flavored douche
will always hype suspicion. You can escalate this stunt somewhat if you buy
male underwear--get the sexy style in white--and place some lipstick smears
around the fly area. You can help the campaign along by having a very trusted
lady friend call and ask nervously for the mark. The younger she sounds, the
better. Have her call several times. Use your and the mark's wife's
imagination.
If the mark is a woman, a pack of condoms carelessly hidden in the car is
always a sure-grow plant. Several daint handkerchiefs of the type favored by
milady and heavily impregnated with semen can also be stuffed in the car. As
with the male, a series of appropriately timed telephone calls from a nervous
male will add to the marital festivities between mark and spouse.
In less carnal surroundings, if you can get to the distributor cap,
remove it and use graphite from a pencil to contact the rotor brushes. The
charge will run along the graphite, causing the engine to misfire. This could
cause the mark to dash into his local car butcher and get charged an
outrageous price for an unnecessary tuneup.
A quick way to disable a car battery is to slip a couple of Alka-Seltzer
tablets or a teaspoonful of baking soda into each battery compartment. The
antacid will kill the battery's power before you can say "Plop, plop, fizz,
fizz."
Another camhead nasty is to take a pushpin and jab a few tiny holes
through spark-plug wires. According to Lee H. Santana, a real straight
shooter in the dirty-tricks department, the pin pricks cause a hellishly
rumpety noise when the car is driven.
Don't forget additives when working on a mark's car. The nice thing
about additives is that you don't have to be odd or even to use them. Many
experts, including some of Uncle Sam's khaki-clad nephews, suggest light
materials, such as crushed cork, as a great additive to the gasoline tanks of
vehicles belonging to people or institutions you don't like.
One former professional trickster said, "It isn't to exotic, but a
handful of old leaves in the gas tank will bind the damn engine up too."
Sand is not recommended because of its weight, especially when wet. It
would sink to the bottom of the tank and not much would be introduced into the
engine, he explained. The idea is to get the additive to the bearing
surfaces, where the coarse little buggers can kick and scratch up a mechanical
breakdown. Silicone carbide, emery powder, and fine metal filings will work.
During World War II, our OSS used a mixture of finely ground cork, resins,
carborundums, and metal alloys to muck up an engine.
Another method that could possibly send a driver off to a service station
would be to pour a gallon of shellac thinner into your targeted vehicle's
gasoline tank. The alcohol will gather up all the water in the fuel trap, and
when this mixture goes through the fuel line it will cause the vehicle to
snort, stammer, and act as if it has big carb troubles. By the time the
driver gets the vehicle to a mechanic, the problem has usually departed out
the exhaust pipe. Done enough times, this one can redline the frustration and
credibility levels of both the driver and the mechanic.
If you want to use additives in your mark's gasoline tank, yet are
concerned about arousing suspicion in daylight or in an otherwise
high-visibility area, simply adopt a cover prop.
"Put the harmful additive in a metal gasoline can like they sell in
stores," advises Joey MacJohns, a veteran trickster. "That way, any potential
witnesses will never really pay attention to what's happening; they'll simply
infer because you have a gas can that you're putting gas in the car."
And don't forget oil additives. Styrene, a colorless, oily liquid, is an
organic compound that is one of the two chemicals mixed together to make
hardened fiberglass. Boat-supply stores and marinas have styrene available
for patching fiberglass boats. It is also used in body shops and
upholstery-repair places.
There are substitutes compounds that will do the same job as styrene, so
read the label when purchasing the stuff to make sure you're actually getting
styrene. Styrene is the only sufficiently effective, commonly available
material that can be put into a car's crankcase to completely break down the
oil and ruin the engine.
Styrene in the crankcase is far better that sugar in the gas tank because
it can't be seen after being introduced and because only a little does a
thorough job. If it's used at the rate of one per four quarts of oil, the
treated vehicle will run about a hundred miles before the engine locks up
tight.
This is a fairly high-risk stunt, but it could be fun if you don't get
nailed doing it, according to Bill Rally. If you find that your mark is going
alone to a movie you have an hour or so to have some fun with his automobile.
If you're motivated enough to carry off this stunt, no one has to tell you how
to start the mark's car without a key. After you start it, drive to some very
nice homes with pretty lawns. But stay fairly near the theater, so you can
get back there in a hurry. Do donuts, dig out, and otherwise use the car to
make a shambles of lawns, shrubbery, flower beds, etc. Run over lawn
furniture, hit mailboxes, and try to frighten some old people by coming really
close to them with the car.
This is a real hit-and-run mission. Do your dirty driving fast and get
the car back to the theater parking area even faster. Park it and leave. If
you've done enough damage, all sorts of police reports will be out on the car.
The second or third question the police will ask the mark is whether he or she
has any witnesses for the movie alibi.
That can be a real blast. But if you want another sort of pop, dig
deeply into the potato bin for this one. My thanks here go to all those great
truck farmers who say a potato jammed into a vehicle's exhaust pipe is not
explosive, but it will cause all sorts of nasty problems. In one case, the
mark parked his car with the rear end towards his home. His tormentor jammed
a fresh, hard spud tightly inot the car's exhaust pipe. The mark started the
car on a cold evening and waited a few moments for the engine to warm.
Meanwhile, the hot gases, unable to escape, built up dangerously behind the
potato....Woom!...KABLOOM!... With an explosive roar, the gases fired that
big, hot, hard potato right into the metal siding of the mark's home, just
fifteen feet away from the exhaust pipe, which acted as a cannon barrel. The
holing and denting of the siding cost $150 and a day to repair.
There are all sorts of other devices that make good muffler bombs. A
firecracker may be shoved into the vehicle's exhaust pipe, pushing it along
with a stiff wire until the explosive device falls into the muffler. It takes
only a few moments of driving with today's hot exhaust gases to explode the
firecracker. Even a fairly small firecracker will cause panic, escpecially if
the driver is paranoid to start with. If you want to destroy the muffler and
drive the mark's panic into the fantasy of having his/her car really bombed,
substitute an M80 or a shotgun shell for the prankish finger-sized
firecracker.
If the violence and property destruction of this bothers you or causes
you to grimace, consider this next happy face. Most mail-order and novelty
stores sell very realistic rubber-faced masks, resembling everything from an
ape man, through a drooling idiot, on down to a Ronald Reagan mask. Select
one that looks especially gross--like an old man, or the idiot, or Richard
Nixon. Position is so it looks realistic on the back of your head. This
leaves your vision unobstructed. Head for the road in your car.
Just as another motorist overtakes your vehicle to pass you, lean out the
window. The effect on the approaching motorist would be interesting to
observe, as that other driver will see a drooling goon looking back, directly
at him, with no apparent concern for the road ahead. I bet very few cars
actually pass you with this stunt in operation.
Taking the license plate off a mark's car can be a good shot, even you
don't want to steal the thing for other nefarious purposes. How many times do
you look to see if the plate is on your car? A cop has only to look once. I
bet it would be fun to hear the mark's explanation of where his license plate
has gone.
Don't you get really happy when some defective excuse for a human
suddenly pulls his/her vehicle out directly in front of yours or cuts you off?
Marty Mullin has a solution in hand.
A delightful person, Mullin reveals, "I bought a top-quality pellet
pistol, one of those compressed-air guns, which I keep in my car. You can use
either the cartridge or the pump type--just to be sure you get one with enough
power to penetrate metal. Get a supply of the .177-caliber pellets, too.
Then, next time some dip pulls out in front of you, pull up behind the dip's
vehicle and get in his/her blind spot. With a truck or van that's easy
enough. Then you bring your pellet gun into action.
"Plunk a shot into the mark's vehicle, the trunk for a car, or the back
of a van or rig. If it's a big truck you can get in quite a few shots,
because the driver is not likely to hear them. A van or car will make a
helluva TWHUNK when that pellet hits, so be cautious.
"There's no discharge noise, because you're not using a firearm. After
your attack, back off and proceed your business as if nothing has happened.
You probably have not taught the mark a lesson, but you feel better for what
you just did--I guarantee that."
I asked Mullin about the posibility of hitting a passenger who is riding
in the back of the mark's vehicle. He replied, "Then, that passenger also has
every right to be furious with the dippy mark for pulling out in front of
you."
@ENDNODE
@NODE CB_RADIOS "CB Radios"
Want to send your neighborhood CB nut a message? This nut is the CB
addict who refuses to filter his/her equipment and thus disrupts TV, stereo,
AM/FM, and other normal communication for blocks. Usually, these idiots are
about as sensitive to other people's feelings as Idi Amin was to the plight of
the poor. In both cases a lesson is called for.
To do this effectively, heed the lesson of Sterling Orco, who says you
must personally interdict the mark's CB antenna. It would be well to do this
when the mark is away from the home area. Unfasten the CB coax line from the
mark's antenna. Then clip two leads of a regular 110-volt line to the CB
coax--one lead to the center conductor, the other lead to the shield. Small
alligator clips will do nicely. Then, hop down from your perch near the
antenna and plug the other end of the 110-volt wire into your mark's nearest
outdoor socket.
Next time he/she turns on the CB and hits the transmit button...well,
words fail to describe the results adequately. One comment--even the repair
people will shake their heads.
A bit less destructive, but no less nasty, is the old pin-in-the-coax
trick. You prick a tiny pin through the plastic outer cable and through the
shield. Be sure it touches the center conductor. Then cut the head off the
pin and push it in some more--out of sight. The plastic should close behind
the pin, making the wound invisible. Just make sure that the pin
short-circuits the center conductor to the metal outer shield. Do a couple of
these along the coax between the antenna and the CB set. It does stuttering
wonders for the transmission.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CHARITY "Charity"
Charity begins at the home of your mark. You simply volunteer his/her
services to the charity's recruiting chairperson, giving the name and address
of your mark. These charity drives are so happy to get volunteers these days
that they will rarely verify your call. That means the first contact the mark
has is when another volunteer shows up at the door with all sorts of campaign
and collection materials. In many cases, the mark is too embarrassed to
refuse, and you've added to his/her workload.
If you think that's a dirty trick to pull on a charity, ask them how many
cents out of each dollar go directly to the victims and other people who are
at the bottom of the line for help. Besides, your mark might turn out to be a
great charity worker.
You can call in generous pledges in your mark's name during telethons and
other charity drives.
You can also call in pledges to bothersome telethons, using
double-entendre names. For example, when one public-TV station held another
of its semiweekly fundraisers, several contributors announced over the air as
pledging financial support included Clint Toris, Seymour Kunt, Connie Lingus.
Margie Kowalski used to work for the Salvation Army. She suggests that
you call the local Salvation Army, Goodwill, or whatever charity and report
youp mark for stealing out of the organization's pickup boxes. Report the
mark by his auto license number. Say you work at one of the stores near the
collection box and you've seen the mark rob the box several times. You can
also report this "crime" to the police.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CHEESE "Cheese"
It's tried and true, but I bet you haven't heard of it since you were a
kid. This one came from Alabama, the old Limburger-cheese-on-the-muffler-of-a
-new-car trick. The exhaust manifold works well, too, as a surface for a
cheese spread. Or you can simply place som of the same substance behind a
radiator in a home or office. Once it's burned on, the smelly sour effect can
last for weeks, despite robust cleaning efforts.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CHILD_ABUSE "Child Abuse"
I heard a real horror story recently where a truly evilminded teenager
[Hmmm...] swore to child-abuse officers in her county that her parents beat
her. They hadn't and didn't. Never mind; the bureaucrats came bouncing out
of the woodwork, and the harried parents had to appear in court to defend
themselves against the lies of a teenager with mental problems [Hmmm II...].
The parents were looked upon as villians, even though the judge dismissed the
charges as unfounded. Their attorney (yes, they had to hire one to fight
government persecution) advised them against a jury trial because they'd lose
on the emotionalism of the issue, regardless of the facts. Nice.
All this leads up to the fact that you can report your mark as a
child-abuse offender. Acting as a "concerned neighbor," you can tell the
authorities. The hassle is unreal. After you've done this, a few anonymous
letters to the mark's employer about the "child-abuse thing" will help out.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CIA "CIA"
Your mark might have sneaky points you never thought about. For example,
maybe your mark would make a good CIA employee. You could easily find out.
Write a letter of application to the agency using your mark's name. The
agency get hundreds of letters from would-be action agents, such as unemployed
gangsters, karate freaks, ex-soldiers, Walter Mitty types, etc. I doubt that
they take many of these seriously, but they might be interested in talking
with a highly qualified technical person, such as an analyst, area expert,
journalist with oodles of foreign experience, language expert, or economist.
Advanced college degrees and military service abroad as an officer are fine
credentials for your mark. Make up a good solid background. It is probably
illegal for you to make a false application in your mark's name using phony
credentials.
Send resumes to: Personnel Representative
Central Intelligence Agency
Washington, D.C. 20505
You can also send in an application in your mark's name for a CIA job at
the field office in the nearest city. Yes, they are listed in the telephone
book.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CLASSIFIED_ADS "Classified Adverts"
Classified advertisements in your local newspaper are inexpensive little
bullets that can cause major wounds to the mark's psyche if properly aimed.
For instance, suppose you had a score to settle with some bitchy neighbors.
You could insert a classified ad to "sell" their automobile. Price it five
hundred dollars less than market value, instruct callers to call after midnight
(shift work is the explanation you can offer), and explain in the ad that quick
cash is needed for an emergency. That will bring in the phone calls.
You can also put your mark's house up for sale. Again, ask potential
customers to either call or visit at hours that will be very inconvenient to
the mark.
The "personals" in newspapers can provide even more fun. Maybe your mark
ought to advertise for "young boy and girl models to pose for 'art' pictures."
You should use his/her home or business telephone here for return calls,
whichever would cause more difficulty for the mark.
Placing ads is a snap. Most newspapers let you do it right over the
phone, and most of the ad people I've talked to say they rarely verify a
classified ad. Take a tip from that and don't make it outlandish. As with any
practical joke, there has to be a credible amount of reality to the premise for
the sting to work.
While you're thinking of newspapers, don't foget those sexy tabloids and
their really gross cousins that let readers advertise all sorts of weird sex
things. I don't know whether any of that is on the level, but it's worth
finding out--in your mark's name, of course. Maybe you'll be doing him/her a
favor. But somehow I doubt it--there's no such thing as a free lunch.
You might help the mark share his new friends' sexual talents. Place an
ad in one of the target audience magazines--the publication that runs very
explicit and very honest classifieds. If you're not sure, contact a local
sympathizer and ask him/her for help.
You might write you ad copy like this:
"Soft white male aged 35 wants to play with black lady with large
buttocks. Bi-couples welcomed for Greek and French culture."
You can really make bondage and S/M optional, depending upon reality, the
publication, its audience, and your mark. You really ought to study the target
publication before you word the ad. The kicker is that you will register the
mark as the sponsor of the classified ad. Read a section of this book that
tells you about using a neighbor's address and the mark's name before you get
started.
If you decide to run kinky classified ads for your mark in SCREW, BALL,
and whatever, be sure you get some copies of the issue in which the ad runs.
That way you can send originals or Xerox copies to the mark's neighbors,
relatives, business associates, and friends. Enclose a brief note asking how
they can even admit knowing such a perverted person. Offer to pray for them.
You could use the name and address of another friend, neighbor, or business
associate as the return address for this note.
Help your mark out of the closet by running a classified announcement ad
in homosexual publications. Have her/him grandly and proudly announce that he
or she is gay and has dated and/or married only for cover. Now, he/she is
coming out and telling the world she/he has taken a lover--and name a friend,
neighbor, or business associate as that lover. Libelous? Yes, it is. Don't
get caught.
Using classified advertising, Bill Colbeley had an auction for one of his
many marks. He followed the usual auction format to prepare the newspaper ad,
then ran it when the mark and his family were away for a weekend. The ad was
one of those "Job transfer--everything must go--fanstastic bargains" types so
normal to an industrial community. But let Sweet Old Bill tell the rest of his
story:
"I set the time of the auction for 7:00 A.M., so that just as the sleepy
mark was rol
