eigen tekst · Tha Clown

Profielafbeelding · Tha Clown — "Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible." (Frank Zappa)

Beroep	be·roep (het; o; meervoud: beroepen): (juridisch) het zich wenden tot een hogere rechtbank om herziening van een vonnis
Geslacht	man
Geaardheid	hetero
Favoriete genres	90s, acid techno, ambient, breakbeat, breakcore, breaks, chiptune, classics, crossbreed, darkcore, deep house, drum & bass, early hardcore, early hardstyle, early rave, early terror, eurodance, freestyle, french tek, frenchcore, happy hardcore, hard techno, hard trance, hardcore, hardhouse, hardtek, HENG HENG, hip hop, IDM, industrial hardcore, jungle, liquid drum & bass, millennium hardcore, noise, oldschool, polka, power noise, psytrance, punk, rave, rock, schranz, ska, speedcore, synthpop, techno, tekno, terror, trance, UK hardcore, UK hardhouse, uptempo hardcore

Lid sinds	8 augustus 2003 12:23
Status	actief
Laatst hier	2 april 2024
Laatste aanpassing	maandag 4 september 2023 om 13:56

Biografie

Partying since 1994

Dreamfields Festival WIN	439	Recreatieterrein Rhederlaag, Lathum	za 6 juli 2024
Afro Bros, APEX Brotherhood, Aversion, Bilal Wahib, D-Block & S-te-Fan, Dual Damage, Felix Jaehn, Ferreck Dawn, Freddy Moreira, Idaly, Jay Reeve, Jones, Karim Soliman, La Fuente, Michael Amani, Mutilator, Oliver Heldens, Outsiders, Rebelion, ROOG, en nog 11 andere artiesten →Rooler, Sam Feldt, Sam Hofman, STUK, Superstrings, The Partysquad, The Straikerz, Thomas Newson, Trobi, Turfy Gang, VE/RA (nog niet compleet)
Vunzige Deuntjes Festival WIN	241	Amsterdamse Bos, Amstelveen	za 13 juli 2024
A Boi Fu, ADF Samski, Adje, AIA, Amartey, ATTI, Bala, Bilal Wahib, Bizzey, Blue, Branko, Broederliefde, Chavanté, Chez, Cho, Cijntje, Claudio, Cristian D, Dash, Dave Nunes, en nog 50 andere artiesten →Diamond, Eddie The Host, Essovilla, Fiesta Macumba, FlexBoa, Flext, Frenna, Giordan Chase, Hernsy Hearns, Idaly, Jah, Jahwin, Jarreau Vandal, Jean Jeansen, Jonna Fraser, Kalibwoy, Kees, Kingdom Sound, Kirou Kirou, Kleine John, Kybba, Lexi D, Lisadebrown, Masai, Melv!ee, Mixturess, Mula B, Nana, Nathifa Efia, Nayla, NEMS, NOELL3, Nyame Cmplx, Reanny, Ricks, Rockefellababe, SHE, Shug La Sheedah, Team DAMP, Tida Kamara, Tjune, Tribal Kush, Vunzige Deuntjes, Wasserette, WaxFiend, WEF, Yssi SB, Zoë Janice, Zoey Hasselbank, Zwart Licht

toon archief, 573 evenementen

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Welkom gast

Work like you don't need the Money
Love like you never been Hurt
Dance like nobody's Watching
Fuck like you're being Filmed

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"Dies ist die Geschichte von einem Mann, der aus den 50. Stock von einem Hochhaus fällt...während er fällt, wiederholt er um sich zu beruhigen immer wieder: 'Bis hier ging es ja ganz gut, bis hier ging es ja ganz gut...' Aber das wichtige ist nicht der Fall, sondern die Landung."
(Gabba Front Berlin - Lacrima Mosa Est)
__________________________________
Growing up
We were taught to believe
That everyone was created equal
In the master plan
(Lee Aaron - Barely Holdin' On / Dyewitness - The Masterplan)
__________________________________
I Speak To You Of The Science Of Mythology
I Speak Of Maverick Deviation
The Psychotronic Love Commandos
We Shall Be Drunk On Stars
We Shall Fear Nothing
Demand The Impossible
Dream Your Destiny
Defy The Logic Of Alphabets
I Slave The King Of The World
Nothing Is Impossible!
(Zodiac Mindwarp & The Love Reaction - Wolfchild Speech)
__________________________________
Six days on the run, looking for a place to have some fun
Night and day without your sweet embrace, I'm going crazy
Six days gray or black, trying to find a way to get you back
Night and day without your sweet embrace, I think I'm going crazy
(Rave Nation - Going' Crazy)
__________________________________
Something for your mind, your body and your soul
It’s the power to arouse curiosity
The purpose
The goal which one acts on
A journey of force, hot like the sun and wet like the rain
With medican movements in unicin with others
for long and acts of sensation with no limits or boundaries
Eternity is past
Wrong is right
It’s the point of greatest intensity
Pleasures of the highest sense
Feelings of warmth and security
Willing and unwilling sensations of the mind
A condition
The ultimate seduction
The Realm !
__________________________________
Fuck geluk! Fuck geluk!
Dat gaat te gauw stuk, dus waarom maak ik mij nog druk?
Ik leef op eten, drinken, slapen, humor, sex en muziek
Want al de rest loopt altijd uit op kleffe dramatiek!

Geluk werkt als een placebo
Het werkt alleen als je niet weet wat het is!
En doet dat wat pijn aan je ego
Dan weet je meteen ook wat jouw probleem is!Heel vaak als ik s ochtends weer mn wekker hoor gaan
voel ik een hele grote tegenzin om op te staan
Want mn bed is lekker warm en de wereld is kut
en wat ik daar ook doe heb allemaal toch geen enkel nut
Iedereen die zoekt wel iets wat ie nooit vinden zal
Dus waarvoor leven we dan? Het interesseert me geen bal
Alleen maar eten, drinken, slapen, humor, sex en muziek
houdt nog mijn hele zakie draaiende als bij een fabriek
Mensen zeggen liefde, vriendschap en respect
zijn ook belangrijk, vind ik ook maar oh dat klinkt zo perfect!
Ik zie dat maar als extra bonus bij wat ik toch al had
Want meestal denk ik: Sterf allemaal maar, ik ben het zat!

Bij iedereen mankeert er tegenwoordig wel iets
Want je bent niemand meer zonder probleem of helemaal niets
Ik hoor toch altijd maar depressie hier en stressie daar
en elke therapeut heeft weer een nieuwe sessie klaar!
Schelden doet geen pijn, dus dat doe ik niet meer
Ik zeg maar meestal wat ik denk want dat doet meer dan zeer
Een beetje zeiken kan geen kwaad en scheelt een heleboel stress
Giet het in liedjes en je hebt misschien wel instant succes
Ja, zo maak ik van elk dieptepunt een hoogtepunt
en kom ik met mijn woordenregen op het droogste punt
En slaat het niet aan vraag ik mij af wat er erger is
Heel oppervlakkig zijn of leven met die ergernis

Fuck geluk! Fuck geluk!
Dat gaat te gauw stuk, dus waarom maak ik mij nog druk?
Ik leef op eten, drinken, slapen, humor, sex en muziek
Want al de rest loopt altijd uit op kleffe dramatiek!

Geluk werkt als een placebo
Het werkt alleen als je niet weet wat het is!
En doet dat wat pijn aan je ego
Dan weet je meteen ook wat jouw probleem is!

De meeste mensen hebben het altijd te druk
Dag in dag uit maar weer op zoek naar dat beetje geluk
En weet je wat het stomme is, ze leven zo vaak in pijn
dat ze geen tijd meer over houden om gelukkig te zijn
Ik ben er mee gestopt en voel me geestelijk fit
en hou nu zee‰n van tijd over voor de nuttige shit
En tijd die wel besteed is leef je optimaal als maar kan
En daardoor voel ik mij al bijna een gelukkige man
Maar meestal denk ik dan meteen wat moet ik ermee?
Want waar je niet naar streeft dat hoef je dan ook niet pers‚
Ik laat dus alles gaan, het komt nu maar gewoon op mij af
als een verassing op zn tijd maar nu nooit meer als een straf!

Fuck geluk! Fuck geluk!
Dat gaat te gauw stuk, dus waarom maak ik mij nog druk?
Ik leef op eten, drinken, slapen, humor, sex en muziek
Want al de rest loopt altijd uit op kleffe dramatiek!

Geluk werkt als een placebo
Het werkt alleen als je niet weet wat het is!
En doet dat wat pijn aan je ego
Dan weet je meteen ook wat jouw probleem is!
(Def P & The Beatbusters - Placebo)
__________________________________

Wist je dat?

... alle klokken in de film Pulp Fiction op 04:20 uur staan?
... Donald Duck strips verboden waren in Finland, omdat hij geen broek draagt?
... een automobilist tijdens zijn leven 912 scheten in zijn wagen laat?
... de gemiddelde chauffeur 6 keer seks heeft in de wagen?
... automobilisten gemiddeld 32.025 keer vloeken in de wagen?
... een automobilist gemiddeld 181 keer door het rood rijdt?
... de gemiddelde chauffeur 15.250 keer toetert in zijn leven?
... een slak drie jaar kan slapen?
... de urine van een kat licht geeft onder een black light?
... Mohammed de meest voorkomende naam is in de wereld?
... de oudste boom op aarde 4700 jaar oud is?
... de langste man ooit, 2,72 meter lang was?
... de langste vrouw ooit, 2,32 meter lang was?
... er op Aruba maar één Citroën CX rondrijdt?
... vrouwen bijna twee keer zoveel met hun ogen knipperen als mannen?
... geen enkele president van de Verenigde Staten enig kind was?
... de naam "Wendy" werd verzonnen door de schrijver van het boek "Peter Pan"?
... het cruiseschip Queen Elizabeth II 4,5 liter diesel nodig heeft om 5 centimeter vooruit te komen?
... er twee keer zoveel credit-cards bestaan als Amerikanen?
... Montpelier, Vermont de enige hoofdstad van Amerikaanse staat is zonder McDonalds?
... er op z'n minst 9 miljoen mensen jarig zijn op dezelfde dag als jij?
... "U at" de kortse volledige nederlandse zin is?
... het langste Engelse woord 1909 letters lang is en verwijst naar een bepaald deel in het DNA?
... katten meer dan 100 geluiden maken, honden maar ongeveer 10?
... onze ogen vanaf de geboorte dezelfde grootte hebben, maar onze neus en oren altijd blijven groeien?
... de meeste hamsters maar met een oog tegelijk knipperen?
... als alle Chinezen langs je zouden moeten lopen in een rij zou deze rij nooit eindigen vanwege de snelheid van reproductie?
... als je een goudvis in een donkere kamer opsluit, hij wit wordt?
... jaarlijks meer mensen worden gedood door een ezel dan door een vliegtuigcrash?
... vechten in Paraguay legaal is op voorwaarde dat beide partijen staan geregistreerd als bloeddonor?
... de hoorn van een neushoorn uit compact haar bestaat?
... een mens 's nachts gemiddeld 8 spinnen in hun leven eet?
... er in de gemiddelde chocolade reep 8 insectenbenen zitten?
... ratten zich zich zo snel kunnen voortplanten dat ze in 18 maanden 1 miljoen nakomelingen kunnen hebben?
... de kortse oorlog in de geschiedenis is geweest tussen Zanzibar en Engeland in 1896 waarbij Zanzibar zich overgaf in 38 minuten?
... Elvis een tweelingbroer had genaamd Garon, die bij de geboorte overleed en dat Elvis' tweede naam daarom Aron is?
... als Barbie echt bestond haar maten 39-23-33 zouden zijn, dat ze 2,15 meter lang zou zijn en haar nek 2 keer zo lang als dat van een normaal mens?
... in de zin "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" alle letters die op je toetsenbord staan worden gebruikt?
... Het 2,3 calorieën kost om een ijsblokje te laten smelten in je mond?
... De vingerafdrukken van Koalaberen zo sterk op die van mensen lijken, dat ze soms worden verward in moordzaken?
... Een mier 50 maal zijn eigen gewicht kan tillen, 30 maal zijn eigen gewicht kan slepen en altijd op zijn rechterzijde valt als hij vergiftigd is?
... Koeien meer melk geven wanneer ze naar muziek luisteren?
... Een mens tijdens zijn leven ongeveer 1,2 jaar met zijn ogen knippert?
... Er 336 kuiltjes zitten in een professionele golfbal?
... Olifanten na hun dood soms recht blijven staan?
... Dat als je niest, snot met ± 365 km p/u uit je neus komt?
... Volgens het Kinsey Rapport uit 1992 de gemiddelde ejaculatiesnelheid 18 kilometer per uur bedraagt?
... De olifant het enige zoogdier is dat niet kan springen?
... Een goudvis een geheugencapaciteit van slechts 3 seconden heeft?
... Een kakkerlak gemiddeld elke 15 minuten een wind laat?
... kikkers kunnen overgeven?
... In Bangladesh kinderen vanaf 15 jaar gevangenisstraffen krijgen als ze spieken tijdens een examen?
... Een vrouwenhart sneller slaat dan een mannenhart?
... Je lijdt aan arachibutyrofobie wanneer je bang bent dat er pindakaas tegen je gehemelte zal blijven plakken?
... Coca-Cola oorspronkelijk groen was?
... De langste plaatsnaam ter wereld Krungthepmahanakornamornratanakosinmahintarayutthayamahad-ilokphopnopparatrajathaniburiromudomrajaniwesmahasa tharnamornphimarnavatarnsathitsakkattiyavisanukamprasit is? ( en dat zijn 163 letters, natellen mag altijd )
... Het meer waarschijnlijk is dat je door een champagnekurk wordt gedood dan door een giftige spin?
... Dynamiet pindakaas bevat?
... Het onmogelijk is om aan je elleboog te likken?
... Een krokodil zijn tong niet kan uitsteken?
... Bij het bestuderen van meer dan 20.000 struisvogels gedurende de laatste 80 jaar, er geen enkel geval vastgesteld is waarbij een struisvogel zijn kop in de grond stak?
... Een varken fysiek niet in staat is om naar de lucht te kijken?
... Meer dan 50% van de wereldbevolking nooit een telefoonoproep gedaan of ontvangen heeft?
... Ratten en paarden niet kunnen overgeven?
... Te hard niezen kan resulteren in een gebroken rib?
... Poging tot het niezen te onderdrukken aanleiding kan geven tot een hersen- of halsbloeding, met dood tot gevolg?
... Als je je ogen probeert open te sperren bij het niezen deze de oogholtes kunnen verlaten?
... Ratten zich zo snel voortplanten dat ze in 18 maanden meer dan 1 miloen nakomelingen kunnen hebben
... Er in elke aflevering van de Amerikaanse Televisiereeks Seinfeld er ergens een superman in voorkomt?
... De aansteker al voor de lucifers werd uitgevonden?
... 35% van de mensen die een contactadvertentie plaatsen in de krant om een partner te vinden reeds gehuwd zijn?
... Wereldwijd 23% van de defecten aan fotokopietoestellen te wijten zijn aan mensen die hun achterwerk probeerden te kopiëren?
... Het merendeel van rode lippenstiften vissenschubben bevatten?
... Net zoals vingerafdrukken ook de tongafdrukken bij iedere mens uniek zijn?
... 95 % van de mensen die bovenstaande wist-je-datjes gelezen hebben, geprobeerd hebben om hun elleboog te likken?
... Het hart van de garnaal zich in zijn hoofd bevindt?
... Als je 8 jaar, 7 maanden en 6 dagen zou schreeuwen, je genoeg geluidsenergie geproduceerd zou hebben om 1 kopje koffie te verwarmen?
... Als je 6 jaar en 9 maanden scheten zou laten, je genoeg gas geproduceerd zou hebben om de energie van een atoombom te evenaren?
... Het orgasme van een varken 30 minuten duurt?
... Als je met je hoofd tegen de muur slaat, je 150 calorieen per uur verbruikt?
... Mensen en dolfijnen de enige soorten zijn die seks voor het plezier hebben?
... De sterkste spier van het menselijk lichaam de tong is?
... IJsberen linkshandig zijn?
... Een meerval ruim 27000 smaakpapillen heeft?
... Een vlo 350 maal zijn lichaamslengte kan springen?
... Een kakkerlak 9 dagen in leven kan blijven zonder zijn hoofd? Dan sterft hij door verhongering.
... De mannetjes-bidsprinkhaan niet kan vrijen als z`n kop nog op z`n romp zit? De vrouwtjes geven dus aan, seks te willen, door de kop van z`n romp te trekken.
... Sommige leeuwen meer dan 50 maal per dag vrijen?
... Vlinders met hun poten proeven?
... Het oog van een struisvogel groter is dan zijn hersens?
... Een zeester geen hersens heeft?
... Slechts 1 op de 20 kinderen wordt geboren op de dag die door de dokter werd voorspeld?
... Als het ruimte-afval dat momenteel rond de aarde zweeft tegen hetzelfde tempo blijft toenemen, dan zal een space shuttle tegen het eind van deze eeuw een kans maken van 1 op 10 om in botsing te komen met dit afval.
... De bliksem de aarde ongeveer 17 miljoen keer per dag raakt? Dat is 200 keer per seconde.
... Menselijke beenderen, centimeter voor centimeter, sterker zijn dan het staal in wolkenkrabbers?
... Citroenen meer suiker bevatten dan aardbeien?
... Van 15 mensen bekend is dat zij de dood vonden doordat zij een blikjesautomaat naar zich toe trokken in de hoop op een gratis drankje?
... De hoogte van de Eifeltoren varieert - afhankelijk van de temperatuur - met 15 centimeter?
... Er elke dag zo'n 10 ton ruimtestof op de aarde valt?
... De geluidsgolven die geproduceerd worden bij het uitspreken van een medeklinker zijn meer dan 600 keer krachtiger dan die bij het uitspreken van een klinker?
... Van een stuk goud ter grootte van een luciferdoosje bladgoud gemaakt kan worden dat even groot is als een tennisveld?
... Er meer dan 100 chemicaliën in een kop koffie zitten? Hiervan werden er slechts 26 uitgetest en de helft hiervan veroorzaakte kanker bij ratten.
... Om jezelf wakker te houden appels efficiënter zijn dan koffie?
... Onderzoek vaststelde dat condooms die worden blootgesteld aan smog en ozon minder doeltreffend zijn?
... Als de planeet Saturmus in een gigantisch meer zou worden gedropt, ze erop zou blijven drijven?
... Zo'n 2500 linkshandigen overlijden per jaar als gevolg van het gebruik van producten gemaakt voor rechtshandigen? Vast staat dat linkshandigen gemiddeld 8 jaar korter leven dan hun rechtshandige soortgenoten.
... De gemiddelde meteoor is niet groter dan een zandkorrel?
... Er per jaar 11.000 mensen om het leven komen bij het proberen van nieuwe seksstandjes?
... Voordat je doodgaat je gemiddeld zo'n 19 kilo aan huidschilfers hebt verloren en het aantal meters vingernagel dat ooit gegroeid is 28 meter per vinger begraagt?

En dan nog: Alle feiten over Chuck Norris op een rij

* If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

* There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

* Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

* Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

* Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

* Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

* Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

* Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

* When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

* Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

* There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

* When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

* Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

* A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

* When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

* Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

* Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

* How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

* Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

* In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

* Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

* If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

* Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

* The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

* A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

* Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

* Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

* When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

* While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

* Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

* When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

* When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

* Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

* Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

* For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

* Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

* When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

* Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

* When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

* Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

* On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

* Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

* In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

* Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

* Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

* Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

* Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

* Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

* If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

* Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

* Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

* The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

* It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

* You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

* Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

* The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

* There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

* When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

* Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

* James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

* Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

* Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

* It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
* Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

* Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

* Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

* Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

* When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

* Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

* A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

* Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

* There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

* Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

* Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

* Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

* Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

* Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

* Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

* Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

* Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

* Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

* The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

* Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

* If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

* Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

* The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

* Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

* The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

* Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

* Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

* The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

* Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

* Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

* There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

* A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

* It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

* Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

* Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

* Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

* Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

* Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

* The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

* Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

* Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

* Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

* Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

* Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

* Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

* 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

* Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

* When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

* According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

* Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

* In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

* Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

* When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

* Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
* Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

* If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

* If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

* Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

* Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

* MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

* Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

* What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

* Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

* The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

* There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

* Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

* The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

* Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

* The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

* Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

* Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

* When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

* On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

* Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

* Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

* Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

* Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

* It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

* Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

* It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

* Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

* That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

* Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

* Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

* Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

* Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

* As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

* Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

* Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

* Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

* Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

* It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

* Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

* Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

* Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

* When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

* Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

* "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

* Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

* Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

* Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

* Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

* Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

* When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

* Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

* Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

* Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

* Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
* Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

* If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

* In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

* Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

* Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

* Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

* The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

* Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

* Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

* Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

* The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

* For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

* Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

* Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

* Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

* Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

* Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

* How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

* The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

* When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

* If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

* Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

* Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

* Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

* The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

* Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

* The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

* Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

* Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

* He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

* The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

* The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

* Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

* Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

* Chuck Norris can taste lies.

* Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

* One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

* Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

* In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

* Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

* They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

* Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

* Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

* 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

* Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

* The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

* Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

* With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

* The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

* chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

* To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

* There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

* If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

* 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

* Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

* The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

* Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
* The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

* Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

* The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

* Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

* Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

* Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

* Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

* When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

* Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

* If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

* Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

* Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

* A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

* Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

* They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

* Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

* "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

* Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

* After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

* Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

* When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

* There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

* Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

* The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

* Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

* Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

* Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

* The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

* Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

* Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

* Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

* For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

* The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

* Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

* Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

* TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

* After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

* Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

* "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

* Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

* Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

* When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

* Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

* In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

* They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

* There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

* One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

* Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

* Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

* Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

* The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

* Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

* The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

* Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

* Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

* The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

* When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

* Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

* Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

* The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

* Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

* Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

* Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

* Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

* They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

* A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

* Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

* In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

* Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

* "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

* Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

* Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

* In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

* Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

* When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

* Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

* Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

* Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

* Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

* Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

* Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

* Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

* Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

* Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

* Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

* For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

* Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

* Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

* Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

* Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

* For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

* There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

* During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

* Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

* Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

* Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

* Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

* Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

* The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

* Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

* Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

* Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

* Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

* Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

* Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

* If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

* Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

* He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

* Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

* Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

* Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

* Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
* Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

* Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

* "One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

* People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

* Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

* When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

* Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

* Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

* Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

* Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

* Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

* People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris

* Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

* Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

* Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

* Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

* Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

* In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

* Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.

* Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

* Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

* Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

* Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

* The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away

* Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.

* There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

* Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

* There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

* Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

* Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

* On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

* The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

* When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

* Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

* When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one

* You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris

* No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

* Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''

* On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

* Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

* Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

* Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

* Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

* Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

* Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

* Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

* Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

* The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

* The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

* The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

* When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

* In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

* When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

* The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

* Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

* Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

* When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

* Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

* Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

* Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

* Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

* Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

* If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

* Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

* Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

* The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

* Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

* Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

* Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

* Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

* Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

* When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

* Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

* Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

Tha Clown

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