Profiel · 233112

The president and the parrot

During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, Donald has already taught it to say over two hundred words!"
“Very impressive," said Pompeo, "but you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean”
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."


The president and the War on Newfoundland

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."


The president and the Yellow Snow (Watch out where the huskies go | Don't you eat that Yellow Snow - Frank Zappa ;) )

The Trump entourage, wife, VP and all were on a campaign junket in an upper midwestern wintery, snowy city. After a rousing speech, Trump returned to his suite. Standing and paused proudly looking out of the suite to the balcony, he noticed that, written in yellow in the snowdrift outside, was, "Trump is an ass."
Exploding into a rage, Trump calls his Secret Service people to immediately get a sample of the yellow snow, and find out whose urine it was. The Secret Service jumped into action taking samples and pictures and returned shortly. Trump jumped up and down angrily and demanded an immediate report.

The Secret Service agent, looking a little wilted, said, “Mr. President, we know whose urine was used in the message.” “Who was it!?” demanded Trump. The agent responded, “The urine is VP Pence’s sir.” Trump flew into another rage. But the agent continued, “Mr. President, there’s more information.”
“What the hell could be worse?” replied Trump.
The agent replied, “The handwriting... it was Melania’s.”


The president and the six Jacks

Trump walked into a bar after meeting with Putin. “Give me six shots of Jack Daniels!” Puzzled, the bartender lined up the shots and Trump quickly downed them.
Then the bartender said, “Excuse me if I’m out of line, Mr. President, but I thought you didn’t drink. Are you celebrating or something?”
Trump answered, “Hell, yes! I’m celebrating my first blowjob!” The bartender smiled and said, “Congratulations! The next shot is on me!”
Trump said, “No thanks... if six shots of Jack doesn’t kill the aftertaste, nothing will!”


The president and the parachute (An oldie-but-goodie! :) )

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year old school boy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left. You have more years ahead, so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness. America's smartest president took my school bag."