"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone."
"Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again."
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
"Life without you would be like a broken pencil." "How's that?" "Completely pointless."
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
"One Man's Sunset is another Man's Dawn."
"From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life."
"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."
"Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep."
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."
"Doing a thing well is often a waste of time."
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself."
"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs."
"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone."
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."
"Crime does not pay... as well as politics."
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."
"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
